Hard To Forget

I badly need to see you again. No, I won't try to change your mind. I just want to make sure that I'm not just pretending to actually not like you anymore. It's for my selfish intentions.

No, you don't need to like me nor am I asking you to. I feel bad enough knowing someone I like[d] didn't like me back, but it would make me feel worse if I kept chasing after that someone. However, I did wish I was that type of person -- one who persists even after he was rejected.

Promise, I tried my best to keep things cool, keep it casual like nothing happened. That was your wish, to stay as friends. No matter how awkward it is, I try to look at you like before -- as a friend. But I still keep thinking about you, about what we could have been. And I know it is stupid to think that way. When I catch myself thinking about it, I try to stop it, honest.

But it doesn't work. I keep giving in because however I look at it, it was somehow painful. Yes, there was no commitment yet -- maybe there is a bit from my end -- but I've been meaning to get there somehow. But of course, I blew off my chance. I guess I just don't know how to make it work.

This song pretty much sums up what I'm feeling and thinking for the past month.

Back to the Dead

Nope. You definitely read the title right. It’s back ‘to’ and not ‘from’ the dead. Because that tiny heart I thought was beating has died once again. It just stopped…figuratively, of course.

How should I say this? Well, the wonderful feeling that started blooming within me just ceased to grow any further. The seed I planted and expected to bear fruit stopped midway. It is starting to wither and die. Probably, it was just the wrong moment. It was like planting a seed as the cold season of winter arrives. The cool wind and the frozen earth will not make things work. The seedling may thrive to survive, but it will soon find out that the sun has abandoned it for a whole season leaving it helpless amidst the white-coated land.

The seed I planted never bore fruit. Even before it grew flowers, the winter chill has frozen all hopes for its survival. It felt awkward because I never foresaw that winter was coming. I’m probably not mindful of the right moment, focusing more on the fruit I would want this seed to bear someday. Yes, I shall admit that what I did was somehow selfish. But there was a strong gut feeling that I should have really planted that seed as soon as I see fertile soil. Lesson learned; I should try looking at the signs of the times more than the future harvest I aspire for.

They say time is of the essence, and I dared not listen to that old saying. And now, I feel ashamed of being too hasty in deciding to go for what I wanted – for the first time in my life. I have always been the person who waits patiently for things I want. Then the first time I tried to do away with my usual routine, I fell in a trap. Maybe it is also a wakeup call to me that I should just stay as I am; stop taking risks as they will only leave me scarred.

… … …

I guess it’s time for this farmer to leave the little plant he once believed will grow into a wonderful tree that will bear the sweetest fruit there is in the world, and just look for something to keep his hands warm during this cold season of winter.

The Tree that Bears a Human Heart

One of the major differences between plants and human beings would be human’s ability to feel and fall in love. That’s why when we meet someone who seems to have no feelings at all or someone who is heartless, we call them (or they claim to be) plants – in Filipino, halaman.

… … …

I personally claim to be a plant for a while now. The emotional aspect of my persona hasn’t been touched for a long time – not until recently. When my family or my friends ask me about my love life, I just say “eto self-sustaining pa rin” or “halaman ako eh” just to stop them from digging deeper, especially when they start to get nosier.

Just like a plant, I tend to survive with nothing but the sunlight and water – just kidding, of course I eat real human food, and lots of it. I mean when it comes to my feelings, which is rather inconsistent and annoying sometimes, I don’t focus on feeding it too much with love. I’d rather focus on other aspects of my life such as how to pay my bills, how to get by tonight, and other practical stuff like those. However, recently I felt something weird in the cavity between my lungs which I have always thought to be an empty space.

… … …

What do humans and trees have in common? Besides the fact that they are both living things, one of their goals is “to bear fruit”. Trees do this, in the literal sense, when they are well developed and have matured enough. A human does this by also maturing; by gaining enough knowledge about life, by settling down, by learning how to balance work and play, by falling in love.

… … …

I have found out about the human heart that beats within me, one that doesn’t just beat to pump blood through my veins but to feel a different feeling my “tree-self” could not comprehend. This tree has finally started to feel a certain feeling that crosses the border between being human and being a plant. I’m a human tree, a tree that bears a beating feeling human heart. And this discovery has left my whole being shaken (in a good sense).

Probably the shortest way to say what I am right now is, “I am happy.” That’s a good thing, right? I finally found something[one] that makes me happy. Maybe soon enough, when this fruit has ripened, I would be able to complete the transition from being a halaman to a loving creature; a human being for sure.