Now I Know: A Letter

Browsing along my pictures folder…nope…none…

Clearing my drawers and cabinets up…nope…couldn’t find one…

Looking at my old phone’s pictures…nope…nothing…

Checking my old wallets…nope…not one…

Then I see my closet. I see your old gifts, your letters addressed to me, some of my unsent letters addressed to you, your drawing which you gave me as a parting gift, and all of the good old memories they once represented…except the latter one.

It is very intriguing that I only realized this today. It’s funny because it has been 4 years, 4 months and 6 days since the parting of our ways, and it is just now that I have realized why I couldn’t move on with what we had before.

I’m the type who stops when I know there’s nothing to go for anymore. I give up easily if I know nothing comes out of whatever anymore. But why is it that until now, I still long for your return? I mean, are four years not enough for me to give up the fight and make me see that nothing will come out of it anymore? I guess not. And maybe a few more reasons.

I checked out the places and things in my room in which I would most probably keep something I would value very much like our relationship – or at least the things that represent them. Simply put, I tried to look for a picture of us to make me know that what happened four years ago was real and not just a dream I can’t forget. But there was none. Why is it so? Does it mean I just really dreamt of the more than five months we spent together? Has everything in my world gone surreal that I can’t distinguish dreams from reality? Have I gone mad like the Mad Hatter?

Apparently, that’s one reason why I couldn’t easily move on. We have no photos when we were together that I couldn’t have any other thing to look for except your presence. Instead of looking at your picture – OUR picture – and make myself believe we can only be together through that piece of paper, I see moving images of you and me in my mind; when I sleep, when I’m awake, when I live.

The absence of photographs of us has placed me in this world so surreal. I don’t know whether I should choose to wake up or keep dreaming that someday what we had before will become my reality again. I guess it just made me want to dream forever and live in this pseudo-world I created.

I do not hate the fact that I couldn’t move on because we didn’t have photographs. To tell you honestly, I loved it so much that I’m very grateful I still haven’t moved on from you. I know I may have tried looking away, but I still couldn’t do it permanently. I still look back. And then, I still long for that moment you would look back at me too…and smile like before.

P.S. I maybe too cheesy, but I just couldn’t stop dreaming of the possibility that we can still be.