Half Empty, Half Full

I wonder why most of the people I know have very positive outlooks in life. It’s what they call seeing the glass half full. When everything fails, hope is never lost. Or if all hope is lost, there is something or someone out there to pick you up and push you through all the hardships you’ll face. It is quite amusing to think that many a people have that very same attitude that I actually know. What’s funny is I was never influenced.

I was their total opposite; I see the glass half empty. I do not look at the bright side. It’s definitely weird because I was always presumed to be a guy version of little-miss-sunshine (maybe they call me little-mister-sunshine). But I would have really called myself simply-emo-kid if I were them.

I still haven’t figured out the very root of all this negativity I have. Sometimes, I wonder what really happened to me in my nineteen years of existence that fashioned me this way. It is still a big mystery for me. Though, I do have some bits of memories which I presume to be little parts of that big reason why I am this way. I haven’t had a very child-worthy childhood. In my view now, what I have gone through when I was a kid was not what I really wanted but it’s my way of satisfying my family’s expectations of me. What did I really want then?

I don’t know exactly. That’s my dilemma for a long time now.

Is it good or bad seeing the glass half empty? I don’t really know. We couldn’t really generalize since people have their own opinions regarding things concerning personality and personal identity. If I tell you it’s good, many would have disagreed with me. Like I told you, most of the people I know are positive thinkers, optimistic beings. Unfortunately I am not one of them. I once told a friend who was my blockmate that I am 99.9% pessimistic and 0.1% less pessimistic. However, I did improve after a year turning that 0.1% to a 1%. Really now, I just couldn’t find where to put that optimism in my persona. This very blog post is a proof of my pessimism. I’m one big nega-bubble, a very impenetrable one if I may add. Other people’s optimism doesn’t get to me, I am not easily influenced. There were only a few optimists I know who were able to share some of their brightness to me. Yet, those positive moments I had didn’t last very long. I also am a bit strong being a nega-bubble. I tend to suck in other people in my big bubble of negativity in very depressing situations. I can easily influence people with my pessimism especially in times when they feel very low and inferior. Mind you, I do try to cheer people up but, being my negative self, I could not do a very good job of it.

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I was feeling a lot better after I had all the drama in my life explode in a very inconvenient time and situation. I went to see my orgmates because I took the liberty of not showing up for a while after my drama. Though I didn’t see a lot of them, I was able to catch Sam, Dino, and Kenneth. Robern was there but she had to leave so there were only four of us left in the kubo that evening. I was actually waiting for Vincent because we were supposed to have a talk – we did and it was a very relieving one because he was able to talk some sense into me – but while waiting for him I listened to the three chat about Dino’s paper. It was fun listening to them. I kind of missed the intellectual talks within the org. most of the time I was just really listening because they were talking about writing and literature (I admit I am not very good on it that’s why I just decided to shut up and listen because I might learn something out of their discussion). Suddenly the talk wasn’t about Dino’s paper or about writing anymore, it was about me. I had to breathe deeply for a second and then I talked. It was funny because Sam told me that I was the epitome of existentialism – at least among her circle of friends – when I asked what it meant to be existentialist. It was a very vague term for me that’s why I had to ask. And I couldn’t believe I was the answer to that question, at least according to Sam. I liked the way she said it because it made me wonder even more. I really like it when someone challenges my mind, maybe because of being my Gemini self according to Pauba. It felt more fun particularly when Sam said, “Why do you feel so inadequate?” I so liked that question that I had to type it on my phone and save it in my message drafts to be able to remember it. Until now I still am asking that question to myself, and every time I do, I get that same excited feeling I had when Sam asked it. I still haven’t found out the answer though, but I am hoping I will soon.

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I did have instances when I thought about my being a pessimist as something bad. There were times I attempted to unleash that 1% of being less pessimistic. It felt ok, but apparently it didn’t work. I wanted to do it again but I couldn’t anymore due to the simple reason that I felt negative towards doing it. Yeah, my pessimism attacked me in making that decision and it overruled any other power there was in my decision-making – if there were any. So yeah, I got stuck with being my 99% pessimist self.

After the talk with Vincent I was able to think rationally. I was still being pessimistic, but I know that somehow, I was trying to think rationally. I ended up with a totally new decision. I was able to realize that he was able to do a lot of things, and that maybe I could do them too. Though, I also think that Robern would do very well. I was actually bothered by the fact that I would have to be against Robern who I believe has a big potential. But then, I had to come up with the conclusion that, I would give it a try but I shall be very much prepared for whatever happens in the end. I do not expect to win, and it doesn’t matter to me if I did lose. I just wanted to give her a fair fight. I do not think she would want it that way that she will be against something that doesn’t exist: ABSTAIN. It is better to give her a challenge to be able to test her potentials. But it doesn’t mean I am doing this for nothing. All I’m saying is, no matter what the end shall bring, I would accept it. Like my recent realization, it is not always about me (though, this blog may be a bit biased when it comes to that).

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So many things my little negative mind thinks about, so little space for all those thoughts to fit in. I wonder if I will be able to put them all aside for a while and be able to think freely. Maybe then I shall find that little space in my persona to fit even just a bit of optimism in.