Grinch-ier Attitude

I’ve noticed lately that ever since College, I notice less the coming of Christmas season. It’s like every time I hear people mentioning Christmas, or presents, or wish-lists, I tend to stop and think for a moment then ask myself, “What’s up with them?”

But then, I would change the question once it starts to hit me. What’s up with me? Am I the only person in the world who doesn’t know that Christmas is fast approaching?

I really don’t know if it’s just me or is it because of my coming of age or whatever process I’m undergoing. The point is I haven’t really been looking forward to celebrating Christmas anymore. Of course as a child, I was one of the millions who believe that Santa Claus exists. I always hanged a sock with my letter requesting for a toy or candies from Santa two months before Christmas day. Although I never left him any cookies and milk, I always got what I asked for. After realizing that Santa is just my parents in disguise, I stopped hanging my Christmas sock and stopped being excited about what present I will get under the Christmas tree.

Maybe it’s because I realized that Christmas is not just another excuse to get gifts or gain some cash. Ever since I started going to college, I’ve been preoccupied with things which are, let’s say, more practical. I’ve been gobbled up by schoolwork, my career in the future, friends, and extra-curricular activities that I have forgotten the usual routine I once had in my childhood every time the “ber” months arrive.

I guess it does come with age, the thrill of Christmas approaching is now gone because I have come to the moment in my life when I wouldn’t believe in Santa Claus anymore, there are no reindeer that fly, no surprise gift under the Christmas tree at Christmas morning, and magic does not exist.

… … …

I like Christmas. It’s the best and happiest season especially for kids. But I guess we need to see that once we grow up, we should know that it’s not merely about gifts and cash, but more of a special day of commemorating one of the most special icons we Christians believed in. Whether we are kids who love presents, or young adults who are always busy, we need to remember that Christmas is also a time for spending with your family and some moment with Jesus. Even though I don’t feel that Christmas is near I should still remember to celebrate it for the real essence why it is celebrated.

BABEL

I suppose we are all very familiar with the story of the Tower of Babel. A short re-telling: people wanted to reach God, He decided to divide them by confounding their languages, giving them different tongues; therefore, the tower wasn’t completed.

So what’s that got to do with me? Probably the first thing it has got to do with me is that I’m such a discontented person. I have this petty goal which is to learn five different languages; two Western and three Asian. Of course, I count my own language, Filipino, as one of them and then English. So I only have to learn three more, which I did. Since high school I was self-studying Japanese or Nihongo. When I got in college, I was able to learn basic Français and more Nihongo. Then I was able to find a friend who is from South Korea and taught me how to speak Korean or Hangul. Now by learning these languages I got very interested with the culture of those countries. I like to learn languages but whenever I start to study about them I become interested with the nations’ culture as well. I want to travel to Paris, Tokyo, London, and Seoul. It’s definitely a dream I want to achieve…and maybe I actually can as long as I get the support I need from the people I believe should support me.

Thus, going to my second point; I can’t believe that all the plans for my success is not supported by the ones whom I thought would always do. I’ve always been the kid who follows rules and does what is asked of me but I actually never did anything for myself. All those things I did to be what I am now (or at least until high school) are all for ‘their’ benefit. They are all the things ‘they’ want for me but not what I want for myself. I am not saying that I didn’t want the way they wanted me to be. I’m only saying that I am not given the chance to do what I want and what I know is right for me. It seems to me that I am always a kid through ‘their’ eyes. That’s the down side.

I want to learn how to become independent. Yes I know I still am dependent in terms of financial aspect but the experience of being able to decide for myself, being able to do things freely, being able to learn from my OWN mistakes and not from the mistakes ‘they’ did in their past. Would it not make me a better person if I learn things all on my own? ‘They’ should actually be pushing me up and not tearing me down. How sad it makes me to realize that I shall never learn to live my life without anyone controlling me. I can feel strings tied on me, telling me where to go and what to do. I feel like a Frankenstein of some sort, I have my own life but I do not have my own mind.

Being in control gives you a certain power over things. I would want that power over myself but apparently, ‘they’ have that control. I wish to learn more and improve myself more, but certain practical reasons are what hinder me. It is not that I do not understand ‘them’ but all I ask is for ‘their’ support. By simply knowing that I have ‘them’ on my back I would be confident enough to do the best I can to achieve all those goals in life, just like reaching the heavens through the tower at Babel.

credit for the image: http://zivcg.com/galleries/babylon/index.html

Half Empty, Half Full

I wonder why most of the people I know have very positive outlooks in life. It’s what they call seeing the glass half full. When everything fails, hope is never lost. Or if all hope is lost, there is something or someone out there to pick you up and push you through all the hardships you’ll face. It is quite amusing to think that many a people have that very same attitude that I actually know. What’s funny is I was never influenced.

I was their total opposite; I see the glass half empty. I do not look at the bright side. It’s definitely weird because I was always presumed to be a guy version of little-miss-sunshine (maybe they call me little-mister-sunshine). But I would have really called myself simply-emo-kid if I were them.

I still haven’t figured out the very root of all this negativity I have. Sometimes, I wonder what really happened to me in my nineteen years of existence that fashioned me this way. It is still a big mystery for me. Though, I do have some bits of memories which I presume to be little parts of that big reason why I am this way. I haven’t had a very child-worthy childhood. In my view now, what I have gone through when I was a kid was not what I really wanted but it’s my way of satisfying my family’s expectations of me. What did I really want then?

I don’t know exactly. That’s my dilemma for a long time now.

Is it good or bad seeing the glass half empty? I don’t really know. We couldn’t really generalize since people have their own opinions regarding things concerning personality and personal identity. If I tell you it’s good, many would have disagreed with me. Like I told you, most of the people I know are positive thinkers, optimistic beings. Unfortunately I am not one of them. I once told a friend who was my blockmate that I am 99.9% pessimistic and 0.1% less pessimistic. However, I did improve after a year turning that 0.1% to a 1%. Really now, I just couldn’t find where to put that optimism in my persona. This very blog post is a proof of my pessimism. I’m one big nega-bubble, a very impenetrable one if I may add. Other people’s optimism doesn’t get to me, I am not easily influenced. There were only a few optimists I know who were able to share some of their brightness to me. Yet, those positive moments I had didn’t last very long. I also am a bit strong being a nega-bubble. I tend to suck in other people in my big bubble of negativity in very depressing situations. I can easily influence people with my pessimism especially in times when they feel very low and inferior. Mind you, I do try to cheer people up but, being my negative self, I could not do a very good job of it.

…

I was feeling a lot better after I had all the drama in my life explode in a very inconvenient time and situation. I went to see my orgmates because I took the liberty of not showing up for a while after my drama. Though I didn’t see a lot of them, I was able to catch Sam, Dino, and Kenneth. Robern was there but she had to leave so there were only four of us left in the kubo that evening. I was actually waiting for Vincent because we were supposed to have a talk – we did and it was a very relieving one because he was able to talk some sense into me – but while waiting for him I listened to the three chat about Dino’s paper. It was fun listening to them. I kind of missed the intellectual talks within the org. most of the time I was just really listening because they were talking about writing and literature (I admit I am not very good on it that’s why I just decided to shut up and listen because I might learn something out of their discussion). Suddenly the talk wasn’t about Dino’s paper or about writing anymore, it was about me. I had to breathe deeply for a second and then I talked. It was funny because Sam told me that I was the epitome of existentialism – at least among her circle of friends – when I asked what it meant to be existentialist. It was a very vague term for me that’s why I had to ask. And I couldn’t believe I was the answer to that question, at least according to Sam. I liked the way she said it because it made me wonder even more. I really like it when someone challenges my mind, maybe because of being my Gemini self according to Pauba. It felt more fun particularly when Sam said, “Why do you feel so inadequate?” I so liked that question that I had to type it on my phone and save it in my message drafts to be able to remember it. Until now I still am asking that question to myself, and every time I do, I get that same excited feeling I had when Sam asked it. I still haven’t found out the answer though, but I am hoping I will soon.

…

I did have instances when I thought about my being a pessimist as something bad. There were times I attempted to unleash that 1% of being less pessimistic. It felt ok, but apparently it didn’t work. I wanted to do it again but I couldn’t anymore due to the simple reason that I felt negative towards doing it. Yeah, my pessimism attacked me in making that decision and it overruled any other power there was in my decision-making – if there were any. So yeah, I got stuck with being my 99% pessimist self.

After the talk with Vincent I was able to think rationally. I was still being pessimistic, but I know that somehow, I was trying to think rationally. I ended up with a totally new decision. I was able to realize that he was able to do a lot of things, and that maybe I could do them too. Though, I also think that Robern would do very well. I was actually bothered by the fact that I would have to be against Robern who I believe has a big potential. But then, I had to come up with the conclusion that, I would give it a try but I shall be very much prepared for whatever happens in the end. I do not expect to win, and it doesn’t matter to me if I did lose. I just wanted to give her a fair fight. I do not think she would want it that way that she will be against something that doesn’t exist: ABSTAIN. It is better to give her a challenge to be able to test her potentials. But it doesn’t mean I am doing this for nothing. All I’m saying is, no matter what the end shall bring, I would accept it. Like my recent realization, it is not always about me (though, this blog may be a bit biased when it comes to that).

…

So many things my little negative mind thinks about, so little space for all those thoughts to fit in. I wonder if I will be able to put them all aside for a while and be able to think freely. Maybe then I shall find that little space in my persona to fit even just a bit of optimism in.

Twists and Turns

I recently stopped for a while.

I stopped thinking. I stopped working. I stopped my life.

You know how it feels when you just stop from whatever you are doing and then just breathe deeply? It’s very relaxing, right? It’s very comforting. Being able to breathe deeply every once in a while is good for us especially if we live such infinitely stressful lives.

Having that said, I felt better after whatever emotional and psychological stress I inflicted myself recently. Maybe I was a bit too hasty in deciding about my fate because now I am thinking otherwise. I feel like re-considering the opportunity to take over.

I have a lot of problems ever since I was a kid. I didn’t expose them in public (well, excluding the fact that I blog about some of it) because I didn’t want to seem like a very negative person. Of course, as obvious as it is, I ironically did become a negative person because of that suppression of feelings. I have the tendency to become a very rebellious piece of junk. I am such a pain for almost everyone who gets involved in my messed-up life.

Kapow! And then it hit me, how many stupid times do I use the word I? Thanks to Vincent – even though it is not his intention to respond to my post – I was able to come up with the realization, and finally proved the phrase “the world does not revolve around you” true. I am not the center of the world. It is stupid and very selfish to think that I am the world and everything is about me. Hence, I am going to attempt thinking about others.

I have a duty to make people happy. I have a duty to make a better world for everybody, because this life after all is everybody’s story.

Everyone deserves a break from every little thing they find exhausting. And every time one stops and rests, one gets to think more clearly and ends up with a better decision, a better choice.

Now I have come to the conclusion that yes, I totally admit, I did decide quickly and in a not very good state, but I was able to think things through in a much better state of mind and thus, I say I will take this chance. I am ready for whatever the end will bring and I shall see to it that it will not stop me from re-formatting myself into a person who creates better decisions and thinks about others. I shall stop being selfish and try to do things for others. I would do my best to be considerate; a bit bitchy maybe, but very much considerate and fair.

To everyone who talked to me and reacted on my post, thanks for doing it. I shall try my best to be a very good person when I take over whatever is left for us to do. I shall work well with people and I shall be a better person.

…

P.S.

I wanted to do a public apology though I haven’t got the chance to so yeah, I am sorry to you all. I shall start being a better person and stop being a selfish one. I will work for the welfare of others and be a very good member – in control of my actions. Thanks for everything!

A pile of wasted life

I have been living inside a big coat of misery for a very long time. I have hidden myself from the world because I always thought that negativity should just be kept inside you. Now I’m paying the price. I thought I learned how to sublime my negative emotions into something positive so that what the world sees is the opposite of how I feel. But then, I was totally wrong because it wasn’t sublimation that I did but instead, I suppressed all of the negativity in me. Now, it’s all trying to explode from wherever I hid it inside myself. It is bad enough that I feel like exploding, but it is worse that I should involve what I totally considered home.

I was in constant search for the perfect home since I was a kid. I found it here in college when I joined the org I got very much attached to. I love this org for the very simple reason that I found it to be accommodating for people who are very different from each other but still gets along well. It is the perfect home I always sought for. I have been active ever since I joined the org but I could say I’m not the worker type of member. I may be quite apathetic because I couldn’t say that I have returned what it deserves for what it has provided me. But I believe that this semester, my second to the last in college, is the most fulfilling one because I am proud to say that I have worked for the committee with the most achievements during this semester. I have been in this committee since I became a member but only now have I felt achievement. That was actually why I considered heading this committee in the following sem. But, a very perfect timing for my inner self to explode.

It was the final activity of our committee, and considered to be the last activity of our current committee head as the head. I felt really nervous because it was the day I will decide for myself whether to pursue the position or not. I NEVER ever showed interest in the said position during this sem because I don’t want any more people to put pressure on me since I get enough of it from myself. That’s why I didn’t really reveal my intent on taking over – at least not until now.

The activity started well, at least that’s how I thought. During the first break I felt like there was something wrong. Then a member told me what this feeling was. I felt quite bad for myself because I didn’t get what that wrong feeling is until someone told me. So I told the current committee head what that was and I apologized to the member who told it to me. A petty matter as it may seem but it was somehow a big deal for me because it caused me to realize that I am not, and can never be, up for the role of being committee head. I told you, too much pressure to myself. I have always been very bad in dealing with pressure. That was what actually led me in to breaking down.

If we would only consider that day, it is not enough a reason for me to breakdown. But it wasn’t just because of that day. It was ever since my life started. I am a big mess, a stupid pile of wasted life ever since I knew what that meant. That petty thing, it was just one of the many little things killing me slowly as I go along the path of life…or rather, death.

Our chairperson might actually have had a hint that I wasn’t alright because she did ask me if I was ok. Being my usual masochistic self, I said I was fine. I don’t really feel better when people start worrying about me because I feel more inferior when they do. I felt worse when the next set of booths started functioning. I was alone in the booth which was supposed to be a collaboration of two committees. I felt very much isolated. I know it sounds too melodramatic but I guess that’s what I couldn’t (and wouldn’t be able to) take off from my system. In the final booth, I found the knife that will cut my wrist. Vodka has always been my weakness when it comes to alcohol. I promised myself I would never take it again after what happened to me before (which is another long story). But what felt good about it was when I felt numb from all those things killing me. Only when I drink vodka do I feel free from self-inflicted pain. That’s why I took that knife and cut my wrist, and even my throat. I finally am free, I finally died.

Thus, I at last did my decision. It’s a big no-no in becoming the next committee head. I wouldn’t be able to handle all those things. I won’t be able to continue the good things our committee had done under the current head. I can NOT be the one who would take over. My personality is not up for it no matter how I love this org and this committee. I am not fit for the role.

For involving the org I love so much in my very stupid and wasted life, I apologize deeply. Yes, we can’t say “it’s no biggie” like what the current head told me, because if you really love something you would never in your entire life involve it into your personal misery. What I did was an irresponsible act of cowardice. But that was the only way I won’t break down and cry in front of everyone, the only way to save me from judgmental and worrying eyes that would make me feel less significant in this world.

For those who already, and would, understand, I thank you. For those who do not, and could not, I sincerely apologize. My life need not be explained to you since I am just a tiny insignificant dust amidst the vast of heaven. I just really need to explode every once in a while to be able to keep myself functioning well. Or maybe I should just stop this nonsense and end it all; get a real knife and cut my wrist finally.

Simple Logic

I haven’t been active in my blog lately…

Actually, I haven’t been active for a very long time now…

That’s why I’m starting anew. I changed my blog’s URL address, I changed my header, and I changed my theme. In short, I had a total overhaul of my blog.

     URL

Maybe people are wondering why my URL address changed from the childish sounding kemyang to the weird kemellipsis. Well, it’s basically because I have been fond of ellipses lately especially in typing micro-blogs.  A simple equation: kem + ellipsis = kemellipsis. Voila! There you have it, my blog’s new URL address. I didn’t think much about it actually. It was a second choice really, because I wanted to have karmakemeleon as my new address for a more witty effect. But apparently, it is not available anymore so I had to think of another one. Since I like typing ellipsis in my micro-blog, I thought of putting it together with my name. So there you go. There’s really nothing deep behind this URL address. This is basically for everyone’s information so that they won’t ask why I changed my URL to something less relevant or less significant – and less witty.

     Blog Title

Another noticeable thing in my blog probably is the new header/title. From kem’s dreamy days to attack of the ellipses which sounds very similar to my URL address – I did say I’m fond of ellipses, didn’t I? Well, this changed simply because I do not have any more dreamy thoughts to post in this blog. I’m trying to make this something worth reading – I know I’m not doing very well in that aspect – that’s why I revamped this blog into something very different from the way it was before. Maybe, just maybe, there is a deeper sense that brought about this change. From the childish and immature blogging (if you can actually call it that) to something totally (or maybe just a bit) opposite, I subconsciously want to change how I present my thoughts online. I don’t see the blog, MY blog, the same way I saw it before.

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Generally, I want everyone to know that I’m changing this blog into something new. Therefore, those who like reading my blog because of the rants and emo-watchamahoolas I posted here before, I apologize if you get disappointed now. I might have some rants every now and then to spice my blog up a bit, but I really want to create something worthy of being called a BLOG.