I Survived!!!

This is not just another weekend for me. Now that I’m finally – finally! – working, I remember how liberating weekends are again. My first week at work has gone so fast but I must say it passed me by smoothly. I started working last Tuesday although I already met my officemates before (due to a team-building activity). So I was a bit comfortable working with them even though I just started.

My second day was fun, although I was a bit nervous during the afternoon because I was left alone at our desk. I felt the need to figure things out quickly so when tomorrow came, I’d be ready. I’d say I did fairly well during my first week.

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I guess this is what people mean when they say ‘you enjoy your work.’ You see yourself celebrate certain moments with them in the long term. When you learn about certain events, you think of inviting them to go with you. Simply put, you are involving them in your life-plans.

Honestly, I never imagined my work to be this comfortable. It feels as if I’ve been there for quite some time now. I already know the people somehow; we eat lunch together, we buy snacks together, I ask them for help and they help me out; it’s all good.

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I just felt the urge to tell how comfortable I am at work. And also share to my small world that I can feel the essence of weekends again since I am already working. Haha!

Happy weekend to everyone! ^^

That Feeling… (part II)

I’m not really the type of writer who does follow-ups. Yet I’m writing this because of almost the same issue with the same person. (see here)

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We have not seen nor contacted each other for a long time – or at least since that post happened. I was feeling lucky one day (because it was Peppero Day that time) and so far, that day was really full of fortunate events. Then you suddenly sent me a message. My lucky day went totally demented that moment. I didn’t really know what you were up to. It’s definitely not in your nature to send random “how are you?” messages to people you know. I couldn’t make my mind up if you were just really curious of how I’ve been doing or you were put up to it by [y]our friends. I decided to reply assuming you were not really serious with your question, thus I sent a stupid but concise answer.

I guess you not replying makes it safe for me to say my assumption was right. If someone was really serious with asking someone how they are doing, that person would have reacted on the stupid answer that person would get. Well, that’s just me talking. And yet I feel like I offended you by my response that you just didn’t feel like replying anymore. I really don’t know you that well after all.

If I were convinced by my assumption, I wouldn’t have written this post anyway. I’m totally confused about you. You seem to be annoying and arrogant and very proud whenever we’re together, but what are you really when I’m not around? I guess it was unfortunate for me to not have had the luxury of spending time with you and [y]our friends more. When I was with you guys I felt really isolated anyway. Now, I just feel even more left out. I guess I never really belonged.

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Follow-ups, I think, are good every once in a while. Although they would probably be better if they were done in person, I still think this is a safer outlet of certain issues. Like what I said in an older post, I’m not really into social norms so I’d rather not talk to you about such mundane issues – at least that’s what I think you would think of these things. At the end of the day, I’d still be the one with bigger dilemmas and not you.

Tip of the Parrot’s Beak

Second climb. Cavite’s highest peak. CONQUERED!

I’ve been a Caviteño for twenty years, and only now can I claim to be a true-blooded one. Recently, I joined a mountain climbing and camping trip with my TUP-Cavite friends at the highest peak of our province, the infamous Pico de Loro. I felt really excited since this was my second climbing experience – the first being Mt. Batulao in Batangas.

Arriving at the foot of the mountain path was relatively smooth – except when we were crossing the magnetic road – and then the real thrill began. Compared to our hike at Batulao, this mountain is relatively lower in terms of altitude, but the trail is steeper and harder to climb. As we made our way through the forest there were tons of wonderful sights to see; lots of little rivers to cross, the beautiful view of the sun through the canopy, the other mountain peaks surrounding the area, the wonderful flora and fauna, and more.

The general objective of the climb was to be able to help the environment and appreciate the beauty of nature through experiencing it. That was why we had a tree planting activity before reaching the campsite, and we had an overnight stay at the mountain.

After finally arriving at the campsite, everyone felt relieved and was awed by the beauty of the sunset. The view of the two peaks looking somewhat like a parrot’s beak ready to caw was really amazing. Seeing the grass wave like the ocean as the cool mountain breeze blows, and as the sun slowly sinks behind those peaks, it suddenly felt like this experience, no matter how tiring, was truly rewarding. 

Night finally came and everyone settled down. We did some cleaning first and then pitched our tents, and as everyone had finally found a comfortable spot, we started to prepare for our dinner. Eating a meal up in the mountains with a bunch of fun people was tremendous. You can really feel the spirit of sharing to your neighbor. Everyone was offering their food to each other. After our meal, the fun part began. We started up a bonfire and had some fun. A few drinks, lots of extra food, some story-telling sessions, plus some good music, everyone went crazy that night. We were laughing the night away. After all the fun, Mr. Sandman finally decided to visit us and everyone went to sleep. It was quite hard to sleep because of the cold wind and the uneven field, but even so, we were able to rest somehow.

The moon was still bright and the stars were countless by the time everyone woke up. The cool wind kept everyone from taking off their blankets and jackets. After warming up with breakfast (coffee and hot noodles) we finally witnessed the first signs of sunlight. Everyone prepared for the hike to the peak to see the sunrise at its finest. Reaching the top of the mountain was exhilarating. Technically, we can claim to be at the top of Cavite that time. The sun looked so majestic, the wind was cool and mild, and the view from the top was bizarre, everything was plain amazing.

It was finally time to go back and everyone fixed their tents. Of course, we made sure that we wouldn’t leave any trash behind or the climb would be a total waste. We had a detour to the falls before eating lunch at the basecamp. The water was really cold but it was refreshing. Then we finally treaded our way back to base camp to have lunch and rest for a bit. Afterwards, we made our way back to the foot of the mountain. As we loaded the jeepney everyone looked very tired, but one thing is certain; this was a remarkable experience that no one would ever forget.

(All photos belong to the author. Please do not duplicate without permission.)

Bad Dreams

I woke up early this morning feeling really tired. Every detail of the situation was still very clear in my mind. I couldn’t seem to take whatever I saw then that I tried to go back to sleep facing the other side of the bed. But the dream went on. It was like I just paused a movie I was watching. Then I woke up again, checked the time and apparently, an hour had passed since I tried to sleep again. I sat up straight, took a deep breath, then went back to sleep.

Two hours had gone when my mom finally woke me up. I had plans on meeting up with my cousin today. As I opened my eyes, I realized my heart was racing. Apparently I still had the same dream, but this time I can’t remember everything. It was 4:50am, the wind from my window made my hair stand on end. I felt like I just ran several miles but without sweat.

I stood up, did some stretching and finally my heartbeat was normal again. But I was completely in a state of shock or something similar because as I went out of my room and tried to do my typical morning rituals, I was being attacked by my migraine. I felt queasy, my mind was not at ease. Everything felt surreal that time.

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I’m pretty sure it was a bad dream. No, not a nightmare but a bad dream. It wasn’t scary at all, but rather it just gave me uncertainty. Uncertainty regarding life in general. It just made me feel uneasy on how I’ve been living my life. It made me wonder, have I been living it to the fullest? Am I really going to the right path?

Life is not easy, but that’s what makes it worth living. I think this has been an eye-opener for me because it made me reflect on things. Sometimes it’s really good to do some self-reflection for the growth of our soul.

… … …

But I still want to remember what that dream was about. I wouldn’t want it to return tonight when I close my eyes and fall asleep.

Is It Really That Mundane?

Ok so I’m writing this for the sake of someone who doesn’t really know me quite well but seems to be someone I can be good friends with. So for you, read this carefully so you would understand my side. And don’t judge me! :P

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I am the type of person who has a really small personal space. Probably it is because I am touchy and I like hugging friends. But I have an issue when it comes to my hair. My vanity is one thing, but there’s another thing that, for a third-person’s point of view, would seem very mundane and silly.

To make it simple, I have an issue with someone petting my head. You see, this act – for me – has a deeper meaning as to what it ordinarily looks like for other people. Before, I tend to pet girls’ heads to show affection, but I only do that to girls who are smaller than me. I also do that to kids because I like kids. But there was a time that I realized how I never really liked it when someone does that to me, especially if this someone isn’t close to me yet. So I stopped doing that to everyone…except for kids, because they’re just so cute. :3

You see, based on my life story, I only allow a very few people to pet me on the head namely my dad, my sister, my high school soul brother, and one of my good friends from my org. The common thing they have as to why only they can do that to me is that they have a certain authority over me. In a more dramatic sense, I succumb to thee.

… … …

I am very protective with my hair. That’s why not everyone can pet me. But due to some recent events, I just had to be petted on the head by someone who is not really a close friend of mine. Certain people thought it was a pathetic issue, it wasn’t a big deal whatsoever. The thing is, I have a tendency to become a bit submissive to the person who does that to me. The issue there is that if it’s someone who doesn’t naturally have authority over me or probably I’m the one in authority, everything would definitely turn around. That was why I felt a bit awkward back then when we left for dinner. I felt like someone invaded that tinee-tiny personal space I allot to myself.

Someone said I looked rather ‘cute’ than annoyed by that event. But honestly, that is always how I am when I’m annoyed. Ok, so I am a bit childish…ok, not a bit, I am childish. But hey, that’s not my fault anymore. You got a problem with that huh? >:|

So, there. I guess if you see any awkward moments or any changes in the way I treat that person, you would now understand why. I can’t believe I’m actually explaining this again but hey, you made me do it. :P

自分の涙

I was a wimpy kid back then. I have a special talent of attracting accidents. When I start to play outside with friends or at school with my classmates, there was never a time I didn’t end up with a bruise or a wound. I guess you already got what I’m saying, I was surely a crybaby back then.

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A certain Korean drama made me learn that tears are actually a symbol of sincerity. These tears usually fall for someone we have true feelings for. It is fun to assume that I have feelings for a lot of things (yeah, not people) because I can easily cry about certain things.

People actually think I never cry. As a man, I am barred to oblige by the norm wherein I must never cry or show my tears to anyone. But that’s just society talking. I don’t really like social norms. I struggle to break free from all of these pulling me down and making me do what is not in my nature. I’m a big crybaby, but I can’t be seen crying. So yeah, fml.

… … …

I always thought that I grew up strong and very resistant to negative feelings. Turns out I’ve been deceived by myself for I have become a very negative being. I thought that it would be hard to make me cry because for a long time, no one has ever made me cry, but I’m actually still a crybaby. I couldn’t believe that simple stories and movies have that special command over my tears and make them fall without my consent. Well, that’s a drag, isn’t it?

… … …

So this post has become more of a confession. I was a crybaby back then, and I can’t believe I still am now. The only difference is, my tears don’t fall because of wounds and bruises but rather of heartfelt movies and songs and stories. My love for the arts has become this strong that it can make me cry at the slightest touch. I guess it’s true, what they say, that only those that you truly love can make you cry.
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here's a must-watch, you'll definitely cry. :) Taiyou no Uta

That Feeling…

We seldom act based on what we think is right. We usually are impulsive when it comes to our decisions. That is why we easily say things, often bad ones, when we are angry. In the end, we are the ones who would regret them. Which is why we have the saying “think before you speak,” that serves as a reminder to us that saying things when one is in an irrational state only makes matters worse.

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Have you ever felt that certain feeling when your blood suddenly stopped flowing to your fingers when you try to press the send/post button during a virtual conversation? It’s just awkward when that happens because it seems like our own body is telling us to stop what we are about to do. It’s as if our body has its own precautionary mechanism when we tend to act faster than think. But in the end, we do it anyway.

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Why am I writing this post? It’s because of you. How I hate the fact that even though you annoy me, you’re still one of the few people I know I can trust. Please, just stop being so annoying and start acting like I’m someone you know, not someone you would bully for the rest of your life. Just shut the f*k up if you have nothing relevant to say. Stop all these nonsense. I’m trying not to care as much as possible but you are just that person who won’t really stop bugging me, aren’t you? If only you didn’t do that you would’ve been the one to whom I shared my secret because you’re the closest person I know there who would help me out. But then again, you gave me a reason not to. So I just had to tell it to someone else…and be stuck in this state where I am still annoyed at you. Still, I replied to you even though my blood stopped running to my fingers. I patiently waited for your reply. But no. I greeted you the following day, but still nothing. Made me hate you even more. You never really know what a simple reply could do. One word, and it all made the difference. Now I hate you, I really do, but knowing me – someone who never hates the person per se but rather the act done to me – I’m probably just saying this. Just empty words. Because in fact, I don’t hate you at all. I still believe in you, that you are someone I can trust. Best hope my judgment wasn’t wrong.

… … …

There’s this awkward feeling when you get a mini-heart attack after realizing you shouldn’t have done what you did or said what you just said. That is the most annoying feeling in the world because it feels like I’m regretting what I just did or said. Things like that happen when our actions and/or words are faster than our thoughts. Before we thoroughly and carefully think about how to react on certain situations, we just realize in the end that we already reacted. We are really impulsive creatures. We are more instinctive than rational during fight-or-flight situations. I believe we should always be reminded that we have our own limits and we need not let anyone push us beyond that point. Well, unless they want to be slashed by our sword-like words or get an instant black-eye, then just let them be.

Comfort Me, You Could

WARNING: This is another one of those ‘me’ posts so if you hate to read another post which is ALL about me, then you probably wouldn’t want to read this. (Unless, of course, you’re interested in knowing some intimate stuff about me. Just saying.)

When I’m in my emo moments or when I’m feeling down, it’s just normal for other people to comfort me. But they never realized that they could be doing it wrong. You see, I’m not like your average person who needs a pat on the back every time I cry. Like what I have mentioned in a lot of my older posts, I hate it when other people make me feel inferior, and that’s just exactly how I feel when someone tries to comfort me when I’m sad.

So here are a few ways you could try doing if you want to comfort me…the right way, that is.

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When I seem like I’m spacing out or looking far beyond (I usually do this when there is good scenery) don’t talk to me. You can stay behind me or beside me as long as you’re not too close. Let me be the one to start the conversation. Don’t be the one to start it. I would feel better that way because it makes me feel like you submit yourself to the rules of my world.

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If we’re in a crowd and I seem to be not participating, or not listening, or merely smiling when someone cracks a hilarious joke, just sit beside me. Never try to initiate a conversation. You could probably tap my shoulder lightly, but just sit quietly beside me. Once I notice that someone is beside me who seems to have realized I’m troubled, I tend to stop thinking of my woes. When I start talking or participating in the group, it already means you succeeded in comforting me.

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If you see me crying, never ever hug me nor comfort me with words. That’s the worst you could do in that situation. Simply sit beside me, tap my shoulder lightly or do subtle ways to make me notice your presence. If I start talking, just listen. Don’t answer my questions, at least not all because they’re usually rhetorical. In this kind of situation all I need is a listener. By being a good listener, you make me feel comforted. Once I stop talking and crying, that’s the best time to hug me or wrap an arm on my shoulders. For sure, I wouldn’t mind it by then. I might even be the one to hug you first, or smile at you as thanks.

… … …

Well, these were three of the most common emo moments I undergo. So, for my friends to not be able to wrongly comfort me, please do review these notes carefully. I know I’m a really negative person, but during those times when my negativity exceeds my own limit, please do help me out and bring me back to my normal self. I would treasure that moment when someone could comfort me the right way.

I never really intended to post this but I think it is a must for my friends to know this. I guess I just want to be understood better because I know for a fact that I never really opened up completely to anyone.

The Bad Guy

Ok, I’ve been trying very hard lately to be a good person. I wanted to have a better relationship with the family I once felt was unappreciative and unnecessary. But I just have had it!

I know I shouldn’t be ranting like this. But there’s no other way for me to sublime this negativity trying to burst out of my insides. What I hate the most is when someone makes me feel unwanted, inferior, and stupid. I already know that so there is definitely no need to rub it in too much, okay?

Excuse me, but please consider yourself first before you judge me. You don’t know me much however you want to pretend you do. In this case, I don’t think blood is thicker than water. I believe you're suffering from what we call ‘hypocrisy.’ I know this word is too harsh, and that I might regret in the future saying it, but yeah, I’m seeing a hypocrite in our midst.

Oh please! Enough with the drama! Nobody’s calling you the kontrabida or the ‘bad guy’ of our lives except you, yourself. Can you not hear what you say and observe what you do? That’s why I just can’t shut my mouth up because I’m hurting. But you don’t know that, do you? Of course not, because you DO NOT know me.

I hate to be like this. I wanted to change. But if the other party involved wouldn’t cooperate, then I have no other choice but to stay the same also. I’m fine with what I was, and I guess not changing anymore would be good for me, too.

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I just have to blurt that out. I’m sorry to my readers (if I have any) for this one big rant of a post. I just don’t want to explode in front of everyone I’m with right now. So yeah, there I go. Breathe in, breathe out.

Simple Logic

I haven’t been active in my blog lately…

Actually, I haven’t been active for a very long time now…

That’s why I’m starting anew. I changed my blog’s URL address, I changed my header, and I changed my theme. In short, I had a total overhaul of my blog.

     URL

Maybe people are wondering why my URL address changed from the childish sounding kemyang to the weird kemellipsis. Well, it’s basically because I have been fond of ellipses lately especially in typing micro-blogs.  A simple equation: kem + ellipsis = kemellipsis. Voila! There you have it, my blog’s new URL address. I didn’t think much about it actually. It was a second choice really, because I wanted to have karmakemeleon as my new address for a more witty effect. But apparently, it is not available anymore so I had to think of another one. Since I like typing ellipsis in my micro-blog, I thought of putting it together with my name. So there you go. There’s really nothing deep behind this URL address. This is basically for everyone’s information so that they won’t ask why I changed my URL to something less relevant or less significant – and less witty.

     Blog Title

Another noticeable thing in my blog probably is the new header/title. From kem’s dreamy days to attack of the ellipses which sounds very similar to my URL address – I did say I’m fond of ellipses, didn’t I? Well, this changed simply because I do not have any more dreamy thoughts to post in this blog. I’m trying to make this something worth reading – I know I’m not doing very well in that aspect – that’s why I revamped this blog into something very different from the way it was before. Maybe, just maybe, there is a deeper sense that brought about this change. From the childish and immature blogging (if you can actually call it that) to something totally (or maybe just a bit) opposite, I subconsciously want to change how I present my thoughts online. I don’t see the blog, MY blog, the same way I saw it before.

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Generally, I want everyone to know that I’m changing this blog into something new. Therefore, those who like reading my blog because of the rants and emo-watchamahoolas I posted here before, I apologize if you get disappointed now. I might have some rants every now and then to spice my blog up a bit, but I really want to create something worthy of being called a BLOG.