Back to the Dead

Nope. You definitely read the title right. It’s back ‘to’ and not ‘from’ the dead. Because that tiny heart I thought was beating has died once again. It just stopped…figuratively, of course.

How should I say this? Well, the wonderful feeling that started blooming within me just ceased to grow any further. The seed I planted and expected to bear fruit stopped midway. It is starting to wither and die. Probably, it was just the wrong moment. It was like planting a seed as the cold season of winter arrives. The cool wind and the frozen earth will not make things work. The seedling may thrive to survive, but it will soon find out that the sun has abandoned it for a whole season leaving it helpless amidst the white-coated land.

The seed I planted never bore fruit. Even before it grew flowers, the winter chill has frozen all hopes for its survival. It felt awkward because I never foresaw that winter was coming. I’m probably not mindful of the right moment, focusing more on the fruit I would want this seed to bear someday. Yes, I shall admit that what I did was somehow selfish. But there was a strong gut feeling that I should have really planted that seed as soon as I see fertile soil. Lesson learned; I should try looking at the signs of the times more than the future harvest I aspire for.

They say time is of the essence, and I dared not listen to that old saying. And now, I feel ashamed of being too hasty in deciding to go for what I wanted – for the first time in my life. I have always been the person who waits patiently for things I want. Then the first time I tried to do away with my usual routine, I fell in a trap. Maybe it is also a wakeup call to me that I should just stay as I am; stop taking risks as they will only leave me scarred.

… … …

I guess it’s time for this farmer to leave the little plant he once believed will grow into a wonderful tree that will bear the sweetest fruit there is in the world, and just look for something to keep his hands warm during this cold season of winter.

Disconnection Notice

I have to admit it. Recently I haven’t been very active (at least not in the same way as before) in social networking sites. Also, I have been very careful when it comes to tying some new strings. Probably I’m just a bit afraid to expand my network of friends. Or maybe I’m just trying to really be careful of whom to let through my walls. And I believe that one good reason is the blatant display of dislike by some to me.

It is always hard to find a good pearl amidst the vast sea, but to encounter sharks is more likely to happen. Maybe I am starting to learn that this is truly a dog-eat-dog world. Life can only be fair if there are unfair things that happen to you. Nobody is perfect, not even life. So I guess I should not expect to live a perfect life. I just have to stay contented with what I receive and motivated to get through it alive.

One lesson I learned from a very old game called ‘Tetris’ is that we may change the way the pieces go down, but we can never bring them up again. In other words, it is up to us to look for the right spot where we will fit the things that life gives us but we have to learn how to live with it because we can’t give it back anymore. We must be very careful in considering where to place these things so that we will not end up with a mess. If we just let them all come down and not think things through, well I guess it is game over for you.

Honestly I feel very lucky to have found good friends who stuck with me up until now. Hence, I feel afraid to go out there and look for new ones. I am happy with what I have now so why bother look for more? That is why I treat other people in the no-strings-attached mode so that I won’t feel bothered whether they are here or not. However, I found out that it’s not the only thing I have been doing.

It just suddenly hit me. I felt like I needed to detach myself from the whole world. Still figuring out the reason behind it, but apparently I have started the process for a long while now. I barely noticed it happening, but now it is very obvious. I need a time out, a sort of breathing space, away from all of the strings I have kept tightly tangled around me. It’s like finding myself pinned down by tangled chains with the weight of a million whales. It’s simply uncomfortable.

Yet something pulls me back of some sort. What if when I let go of these strings, they would cut loose and I can never bring them back? What if I get used to that new feeling of not being entangled from all of these? There are so many what-if’s that I just can’t seem to put two and two together anymore. I’m lost.

… … …

I am very much looking forward to the holy week break. I better take this chance to meditate and breathe for a while and try to see how I should deal with stuff before it gets too late. There is only one who I can turn to in this kind of situation, and I am hoping He will have answers to un-boggle my mind. If the strings I tied would get cut in the process, I am certain there will always be one which will never break. He will pull me to His side when I get left behind.

Comfort Me, You Could

WARNING: This is another one of those ‘me’ posts so if you hate to read another post which is ALL about me, then you probably wouldn’t want to read this. (Unless, of course, you’re interested in knowing some intimate stuff about me. Just saying.)

When I’m in my emo moments or when I’m feeling down, it’s just normal for other people to comfort me. But they never realized that they could be doing it wrong. You see, I’m not like your average person who needs a pat on the back every time I cry. Like what I have mentioned in a lot of my older posts, I hate it when other people make me feel inferior, and that’s just exactly how I feel when someone tries to comfort me when I’m sad.

So here are a few ways you could try doing if you want to comfort me…the right way, that is.

…

When I seem like I’m spacing out or looking far beyond (I usually do this when there is good scenery) don’t talk to me. You can stay behind me or beside me as long as you’re not too close. Let me be the one to start the conversation. Don’t be the one to start it. I would feel better that way because it makes me feel like you submit yourself to the rules of my world.

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If we’re in a crowd and I seem to be not participating, or not listening, or merely smiling when someone cracks a hilarious joke, just sit beside me. Never try to initiate a conversation. You could probably tap my shoulder lightly, but just sit quietly beside me. Once I notice that someone is beside me who seems to have realized I’m troubled, I tend to stop thinking of my woes. When I start talking or participating in the group, it already means you succeeded in comforting me.

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If you see me crying, never ever hug me nor comfort me with words. That’s the worst you could do in that situation. Simply sit beside me, tap my shoulder lightly or do subtle ways to make me notice your presence. If I start talking, just listen. Don’t answer my questions, at least not all because they’re usually rhetorical. In this kind of situation all I need is a listener. By being a good listener, you make me feel comforted. Once I stop talking and crying, that’s the best time to hug me or wrap an arm on my shoulders. For sure, I wouldn’t mind it by then. I might even be the one to hug you first, or smile at you as thanks.

… … …

Well, these were three of the most common emo moments I undergo. So, for my friends to not be able to wrongly comfort me, please do review these notes carefully. I know I’m a really negative person, but during those times when my negativity exceeds my own limit, please do help me out and bring me back to my normal self. I would treasure that moment when someone could comfort me the right way.

I never really intended to post this but I think it is a must for my friends to know this. I guess I just want to be understood better because I know for a fact that I never really opened up completely to anyone.

The Bad Guy

Ok, I’ve been trying very hard lately to be a good person. I wanted to have a better relationship with the family I once felt was unappreciative and unnecessary. But I just have had it!

I know I shouldn’t be ranting like this. But there’s no other way for me to sublime this negativity trying to burst out of my insides. What I hate the most is when someone makes me feel unwanted, inferior, and stupid. I already know that so there is definitely no need to rub it in too much, okay?

Excuse me, but please consider yourself first before you judge me. You don’t know me much however you want to pretend you do. In this case, I don’t think blood is thicker than water. I believe you're suffering from what we call ‘hypocrisy.’ I know this word is too harsh, and that I might regret in the future saying it, but yeah, I’m seeing a hypocrite in our midst.

Oh please! Enough with the drama! Nobody’s calling you the kontrabida or the ‘bad guy’ of our lives except you, yourself. Can you not hear what you say and observe what you do? That’s why I just can’t shut my mouth up because I’m hurting. But you don’t know that, do you? Of course not, because you DO NOT know me.

I hate to be like this. I wanted to change. But if the other party involved wouldn’t cooperate, then I have no other choice but to stay the same also. I’m fine with what I was, and I guess not changing anymore would be good for me, too.

… … …

I just have to blurt that out. I’m sorry to my readers (if I have any) for this one big rant of a post. I just don’t want to explode in front of everyone I’m with right now. So yeah, there I go. Breathe in, breathe out.

Lonely, but not Alone

Amidst a big crowd filled with familiar faces, there were times when it was hard for me to join in the fun. The feeling of belongingness, something I’ve been searching for throughout the years, is such a fickle fiend. It cannot be easily tamed, nor can it be deceived into staying by your side forever. Sometimes, you just feel lonely even though you’re not alone.

Being lonely does not always equate to being alone. I’ve spent a lot of time being alone and felt quite relieved and happy about it. Sometimes, we also need a break from being a part of something big and give some alone time for the self. Let’s just say, it’s for the sake of inner growth.

But what really bothers me is the fact that loneliness, unlike belongingness, is such a clingy little thing. I’ve spent a lot of my time in the dark – or something as dramatic as that – that I can be lonely even when I’m with my friends. Sometimes, you suddenly just stop hearing all the jokes they crack, the stories they tell, the rumors they share, and then you hear yourself thinking. I wonder why it has to be that way.

Like I said, I’ve been searching for belongingness for a long time that’s why I tried to open myself up to other people and try to be social – not that I’m anti-social or anything. But I can’t understand why I feel better off when I’m alone than when I’m with a crowd. Yes, I can be silly and fun towards the people I’m with, but honestly, that’s my defense mechanism to be able to stop hearing my personal thoughts and keep them from sucking me back to that alternate universe where only those thoughts can be heard.

… … …

Being alone doesn’t always mean we’re lonely. It’s better to be alone and spend some quiet time with yourself than be stuck in a crowd where no one seems to bother about you. Although, it is quite heartbreaking for someone to be lonely, yet not really alone.