Lonely, but not Alone

Amidst a big crowd filled with familiar faces, there were times when it was hard for me to join in the fun. The feeling of belongingness, something I’ve been searching for throughout the years, is such a fickle fiend. It cannot be easily tamed, nor can it be deceived into staying by your side forever. Sometimes, you just feel lonely even though you’re not alone.

Being lonely does not always equate to being alone. I’ve spent a lot of time being alone and felt quite relieved and happy about it. Sometimes, we also need a break from being a part of something big and give some alone time for the self. Let’s just say, it’s for the sake of inner growth.

But what really bothers me is the fact that loneliness, unlike belongingness, is such a clingy little thing. I’ve spent a lot of my time in the dark – or something as dramatic as that – that I can be lonely even when I’m with my friends. Sometimes, you suddenly just stop hearing all the jokes they crack, the stories they tell, the rumors they share, and then you hear yourself thinking. I wonder why it has to be that way.

Like I said, I’ve been searching for belongingness for a long time that’s why I tried to open myself up to other people and try to be social – not that I’m anti-social or anything. But I can’t understand why I feel better off when I’m alone than when I’m with a crowd. Yes, I can be silly and fun towards the people I’m with, but honestly, that’s my defense mechanism to be able to stop hearing my personal thoughts and keep them from sucking me back to that alternate universe where only those thoughts can be heard.

… … …

Being alone doesn’t always mean we’re lonely. It’s better to be alone and spend some quiet time with yourself than be stuck in a crowd where no one seems to bother about you. Although, it is quite heartbreaking for someone to be lonely, yet not really alone.