Back to the Dead

Nope. You definitely read the title right. It’s back ‘to’ and not ‘from’ the dead. Because that tiny heart I thought was beating has died once again. It just stopped…figuratively, of course.

How should I say this? Well, the wonderful feeling that started blooming within me just ceased to grow any further. The seed I planted and expected to bear fruit stopped midway. It is starting to wither and die. Probably, it was just the wrong moment. It was like planting a seed as the cold season of winter arrives. The cool wind and the frozen earth will not make things work. The seedling may thrive to survive, but it will soon find out that the sun has abandoned it for a whole season leaving it helpless amidst the white-coated land.

The seed I planted never bore fruit. Even before it grew flowers, the winter chill has frozen all hopes for its survival. It felt awkward because I never foresaw that winter was coming. I’m probably not mindful of the right moment, focusing more on the fruit I would want this seed to bear someday. Yes, I shall admit that what I did was somehow selfish. But there was a strong gut feeling that I should have really planted that seed as soon as I see fertile soil. Lesson learned; I should try looking at the signs of the times more than the future harvest I aspire for.

They say time is of the essence, and I dared not listen to that old saying. And now, I feel ashamed of being too hasty in deciding to go for what I wanted – for the first time in my life. I have always been the person who waits patiently for things I want. Then the first time I tried to do away with my usual routine, I fell in a trap. Maybe it is also a wakeup call to me that I should just stay as I am; stop taking risks as they will only leave me scarred.

… … …

I guess it’s time for this farmer to leave the little plant he once believed will grow into a wonderful tree that will bear the sweetest fruit there is in the world, and just look for something to keep his hands warm during this cold season of winter.

The Tree that Bears a Human Heart

One of the major differences between plants and human beings would be human’s ability to feel and fall in love. That’s why when we meet someone who seems to have no feelings at all or someone who is heartless, we call them (or they claim to be) plants – in Filipino, halaman.

… … …

I personally claim to be a plant for a while now. The emotional aspect of my persona hasn’t been touched for a long time – not until recently. When my family or my friends ask me about my love life, I just say “eto self-sustaining pa rin” or “halaman ako eh” just to stop them from digging deeper, especially when they start to get nosier.

Just like a plant, I tend to survive with nothing but the sunlight and water – just kidding, of course I eat real human food, and lots of it. I mean when it comes to my feelings, which is rather inconsistent and annoying sometimes, I don’t focus on feeding it too much with love. I’d rather focus on other aspects of my life such as how to pay my bills, how to get by tonight, and other practical stuff like those. However, recently I felt something weird in the cavity between my lungs which I have always thought to be an empty space.

… … …

What do humans and trees have in common? Besides the fact that they are both living things, one of their goals is “to bear fruit”. Trees do this, in the literal sense, when they are well developed and have matured enough. A human does this by also maturing; by gaining enough knowledge about life, by settling down, by learning how to balance work and play, by falling in love.

… … …

I have found out about the human heart that beats within me, one that doesn’t just beat to pump blood through my veins but to feel a different feeling my “tree-self” could not comprehend. This tree has finally started to feel a certain feeling that crosses the border between being human and being a plant. I’m a human tree, a tree that bears a beating feeling human heart. And this discovery has left my whole being shaken (in a good sense).

Probably the shortest way to say what I am right now is, “I am happy.” That’s a good thing, right? I finally found something[one] that makes me happy. Maybe soon enough, when this fruit has ripened, I would be able to complete the transition from being a halaman to a loving creature; a human being for sure.

Beware, the Baobabs!

“A baobab is something you will never, never be able to get rid of if you attend to it too late.”

Indeed, there are a lot of things we bury in the depths of our minds. Memories we cherish, information we store, knowledge we use, and so on. But what we must never store for a long time are problems. Just like weeds in a garden, problems disrupt the bloom of beautiful memories in our minds. Instead of positive thoughts, we keep thinking of problems – we feed them, water them, and fertilize them – until they grow so big that there is no more space left for any other thoughts. A problem is a certain negative element that we can’t just be lazy about to get rid of. We must be brave enough to face it on the first time we recognize it.

“You must see to it that you pull up regularly all the baobabs, at the very first moment when they can be distinguished from the rose-bushes…”

Problems are constant things. When we solve one, another one might come along. Hence, it requires us to be vigilant in every step we take. A problem might pop right in front of you when you least expect it. So to avoid surprise attacks, always choose to make appropriate decisions. Even though our decisions may not be perfect, as long as they are appropriate in the given situation, we lessen the possibility of incurring problems. Always look forward when decisions are being made so as to prepare ourselves for the coming of the unwanted.

“It is very tedious work, but very easy.”

Of course, facing one’s problem has always been a bumpy ride. There are times that problems can be solved easily – that is, when we instantly apply a solution once it exposes itself – but it would still require some extra effort from us because it is out of the typical work we do. It is especially difficult to solve when we left it untouched in the back of our minds for a long time. But this should not discourage us to face these problems. We must be more inspired to put it on our desk and dissect it to be able to reveal how we can actually defeat it. It might entail a lot of work, but it will surely be something worthwhile.

… … …

A lot of people – or is it safe to say ‘everyone’ – face different problems in their lives. But I was inspired by the book, The Little Prince (where the quotes above came from). The chapter wherein the author compared problems to baobabs, it is where I realized how problems can truly affect one’s thoughts. It would definitely be scary to have problems fill our minds instead of letting the “rose-bushes” or positive thoughts dominate our wonderful garden. This post intends to share to my readers about my insights on problems and how to handle them. I do hope I inspired you the way The Little Prince inspired me, too.

Endless August

So far, this has been the longest August of my entire life, probably because I don’t do much every day. There is really nothing to do at all but to be stuck at home and be bored. That is why I have all the time in the world to blog about how bored I am as August passes by.

Weird enough, for five years it is every August that I seem to forget what time of the year it is. I spend most of my August days just doing whatever but not really remembering exact dates. I don’t hate August, mind you, but it has been this way for five years.

Five years, five Augusts. It’s not that I totally forgot that after July comes August which precedes September. But it is definitely weird that every time this month comes, it seems to be a big blur to me, and yet it is still seemingly the longest month during these past years.

I could not sleep last night even though I wanted to so I resorted to stay lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking of the things that bother me during the day. The moment finally came when I realized why August bothers me too much. A painful memory five years ago, which led my subconscious mind to create its own defense mechanism as this month comes.

The sixteenth seemed to be the very root of all this. Although I could remember that moment as clear as crystal, my mind kept hiding the whole month from me so as not to inflict any pain to my heart. Then I realized I really hated this month after all.

Something like that, it was probably the saddest thing to ever happen to anyone’s life. But I’m thankful that those things happen. They make us stronger and make us more adept in living life. I was finally able to sleep after thinking about it for more than two hours.

I guess, after realizing such things, we become more alive. Things such as that can teach us how to be better persons and how to live our lives better.

…

But still, after all those thinking I had done last night, I’m still unemployed. That’s the saddest part of my long long August this year.

Lonely, but not Alone

Amidst a big crowd filled with familiar faces, there were times when it was hard for me to join in the fun. The feeling of belongingness, something I’ve been searching for throughout the years, is such a fickle fiend. It cannot be easily tamed, nor can it be deceived into staying by your side forever. Sometimes, you just feel lonely even though you’re not alone.

Being lonely does not always equate to being alone. I’ve spent a lot of time being alone and felt quite relieved and happy about it. Sometimes, we also need a break from being a part of something big and give some alone time for the self. Let’s just say, it’s for the sake of inner growth.

But what really bothers me is the fact that loneliness, unlike belongingness, is such a clingy little thing. I’ve spent a lot of my time in the dark – or something as dramatic as that – that I can be lonely even when I’m with my friends. Sometimes, you suddenly just stop hearing all the jokes they crack, the stories they tell, the rumors they share, and then you hear yourself thinking. I wonder why it has to be that way.

Like I said, I’ve been searching for belongingness for a long time that’s why I tried to open myself up to other people and try to be social – not that I’m anti-social or anything. But I can’t understand why I feel better off when I’m alone than when I’m with a crowd. Yes, I can be silly and fun towards the people I’m with, but honestly, that’s my defense mechanism to be able to stop hearing my personal thoughts and keep them from sucking me back to that alternate universe where only those thoughts can be heard.

… … …

Being alone doesn’t always mean we’re lonely. It’s better to be alone and spend some quiet time with yourself than be stuck in a crowd where no one seems to bother about you. Although, it is quite heartbreaking for someone to be lonely, yet not really alone.

Simple Logic

I haven’t been active in my blog lately…

Actually, I haven’t been active for a very long time now…

That’s why I’m starting anew. I changed my blog’s URL address, I changed my header, and I changed my theme. In short, I had a total overhaul of my blog.

     URL

Maybe people are wondering why my URL address changed from the childish sounding kemyang to the weird kemellipsis. Well, it’s basically because I have been fond of ellipses lately especially in typing micro-blogs.  A simple equation: kem + ellipsis = kemellipsis. Voila! There you have it, my blog’s new URL address. I didn’t think much about it actually. It was a second choice really, because I wanted to have karmakemeleon as my new address for a more witty effect. But apparently, it is not available anymore so I had to think of another one. Since I like typing ellipsis in my micro-blog, I thought of putting it together with my name. So there you go. There’s really nothing deep behind this URL address. This is basically for everyone’s information so that they won’t ask why I changed my URL to something less relevant or less significant – and less witty.

     Blog Title

Another noticeable thing in my blog probably is the new header/title. From kem’s dreamy days to attack of the ellipses which sounds very similar to my URL address – I did say I’m fond of ellipses, didn’t I? Well, this changed simply because I do not have any more dreamy thoughts to post in this blog. I’m trying to make this something worth reading – I know I’m not doing very well in that aspect – that’s why I revamped this blog into something very different from the way it was before. Maybe, just maybe, there is a deeper sense that brought about this change. From the childish and immature blogging (if you can actually call it that) to something totally (or maybe just a bit) opposite, I subconsciously want to change how I present my thoughts online. I don’t see the blog, MY blog, the same way I saw it before.

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Generally, I want everyone to know that I’m changing this blog into something new. Therefore, those who like reading my blog because of the rants and emo-watchamahoolas I posted here before, I apologize if you get disappointed now. I might have some rants every now and then to spice my blog up a bit, but I really want to create something worthy of being called a BLOG.