Lonely Celebration

I guess there’s just really a time when everyone who you thought would be there is simply out of reach.

Yesterday, I celebrated the end of my level 1 class in sign language. I came to the ceremony without a guest. Although it was fun, it might have been better if that moment was shared with people other than your classmates and teacher. I got an award for being one of the most active and confident student. It was something to celebrate, right? So to celebrate my recognition, I planned to watch The Avengers at MOA. I waited in line alone. But it would have been a whole lot better watching it with someone who appreciates movies the same way I do.

It was not really bad since this has not been the first time I watched a movie alone. Somehow, it was kind of stress-relieving. What I liked about it the best is that I got a good seat at the upper half of the cinema somewhere in the middle, and the movie was worth the long wait, plus it was cool inside, a nice way to beat the summer heat.

… … …

So probably there are just really moments to celebrate by your own. No need to find company just to enjoy. Yesterday was officially my ‘Happy Alone Day.’ I hope I could do it again next time. Maybe I should start finding reasons to celebrate that.

Disconnection Notice

I have to admit it. Recently I haven’t been very active (at least not in the same way as before) in social networking sites. Also, I have been very careful when it comes to tying some new strings. Probably I’m just a bit afraid to expand my network of friends. Or maybe I’m just trying to really be careful of whom to let through my walls. And I believe that one good reason is the blatant display of dislike by some to me.

It is always hard to find a good pearl amidst the vast sea, but to encounter sharks is more likely to happen. Maybe I am starting to learn that this is truly a dog-eat-dog world. Life can only be fair if there are unfair things that happen to you. Nobody is perfect, not even life. So I guess I should not expect to live a perfect life. I just have to stay contented with what I receive and motivated to get through it alive.

One lesson I learned from a very old game called ‘Tetris’ is that we may change the way the pieces go down, but we can never bring them up again. In other words, it is up to us to look for the right spot where we will fit the things that life gives us but we have to learn how to live with it because we can’t give it back anymore. We must be very careful in considering where to place these things so that we will not end up with a mess. If we just let them all come down and not think things through, well I guess it is game over for you.

Honestly I feel very lucky to have found good friends who stuck with me up until now. Hence, I feel afraid to go out there and look for new ones. I am happy with what I have now so why bother look for more? That is why I treat other people in the no-strings-attached mode so that I won’t feel bothered whether they are here or not. However, I found out that it’s not the only thing I have been doing.

It just suddenly hit me. I felt like I needed to detach myself from the whole world. Still figuring out the reason behind it, but apparently I have started the process for a long while now. I barely noticed it happening, but now it is very obvious. I need a time out, a sort of breathing space, away from all of the strings I have kept tightly tangled around me. It’s like finding myself pinned down by tangled chains with the weight of a million whales. It’s simply uncomfortable.

Yet something pulls me back of some sort. What if when I let go of these strings, they would cut loose and I can never bring them back? What if I get used to that new feeling of not being entangled from all of these? There are so many what-if’s that I just can’t seem to put two and two together anymore. I’m lost.

… … …

I am very much looking forward to the holy week break. I better take this chance to meditate and breathe for a while and try to see how I should deal with stuff before it gets too late. There is only one who I can turn to in this kind of situation, and I am hoping He will have answers to un-boggle my mind. If the strings I tied would get cut in the process, I am certain there will always be one which will never break. He will pull me to His side when I get left behind.

Mood Swings

Wake up then see the wonderful blue sky. Look out the window and witness as the clouds pass by amidst the blue blue sky. Waking up in this situation makes the heart skip a beat. It makes all of the expectations for this day to be positive. It gives an optimistic perspective towards the hours yet to come.

Greet people. Wonder what to tell them to share the beauty of the day. Wait for their response and keep the mood light. Watch a series and eat breakfast. Imagine drinking milk – just imagine because there is no more. Try out new things like drinking coffee. But then decide not to anymore because it will just cause palpitation and an upset stomach. Hence, just leave things be. Just sit, eat and watch just like before.

Finish an episode. Keep it in your mind and feel how light everything seems to be. Everything is just right. Things happen. And this is just supposed to be as right as it is. Wash the plates left at the sink. Check the phone. Things happen. Yes, they do happen.

Open the messages. Smile when there are greetings and thanks. Read the last message and feel how all of the good vibes get crushed. Things happen, oh yes, they definitely do.

Watch the next episode. Sit in front of the screen and just wonder how things happen. But hey! They really do happen. Eat lunch and drink water. Laugh at the funny scenes. Be amazed by the weird characters. Just stay focused on what is being watched. Finish another episode. Think about things. Because things do happen.

Open the music player. Just play the songs. Then listen to them. Finally, feel them. Feel them to the very core of the bones.  Dance and feel the rhythm. Sweat it all out. Just feel it until it feels right again. Stop and breathe. Look at the sky, the wonderful blue sky. Remember how it all began when waking up earlier. The blue sky stained by the white clouds. Look at that empty blue space and understand how beautiful and marvelous it is. Close the eyes and breathe. Open them and see white fluffy clouds back amidst the sky. Things happen just like that.

Breathe deeply. Sit down and think. Think of nothing whatsoever. Wait for people to show up. Sit down properly and just keep listening to music. Stop feeling them. And start feeling the wind and the sun. Just feel them and just be.

People come in. Share some space. Feel the cold water from the shower. Look at the sky, yes that blue blue sky. Be captivated by its marvel and majesty. Imagine how good it will be floating at that sky. Keep things silent. Do not speak, just share that space. Stop the feeling of awkwardness as it tries to fill the body up. Sit down and listen to music. Listen and stop feeling them. Just remember that waking moment when the sky was wonderful and blue and things were light and easy. Because believe me, things really do happen. And there is nothing that can be done but to accept and move on.

The Bad Guy

Ok, I’ve been trying very hard lately to be a good person. I wanted to have a better relationship with the family I once felt was unappreciative and unnecessary. But I just have had it!

I know I shouldn’t be ranting like this. But there’s no other way for me to sublime this negativity trying to burst out of my insides. What I hate the most is when someone makes me feel unwanted, inferior, and stupid. I already know that so there is definitely no need to rub it in too much, okay?

Excuse me, but please consider yourself first before you judge me. You don’t know me much however you want to pretend you do. In this case, I don’t think blood is thicker than water. I believe you're suffering from what we call ‘hypocrisy.’ I know this word is too harsh, and that I might regret in the future saying it, but yeah, I’m seeing a hypocrite in our midst.

Oh please! Enough with the drama! Nobody’s calling you the kontrabida or the ‘bad guy’ of our lives except you, yourself. Can you not hear what you say and observe what you do? That’s why I just can’t shut my mouth up because I’m hurting. But you don’t know that, do you? Of course not, because you DO NOT know me.

I hate to be like this. I wanted to change. But if the other party involved wouldn’t cooperate, then I have no other choice but to stay the same also. I’m fine with what I was, and I guess not changing anymore would be good for me, too.

… … …

I just have to blurt that out. I’m sorry to my readers (if I have any) for this one big rant of a post. I just don’t want to explode in front of everyone I’m with right now. So yeah, there I go. Breathe in, breathe out.

Endless August

So far, this has been the longest August of my entire life, probably because I don’t do much every day. There is really nothing to do at all but to be stuck at home and be bored. That is why I have all the time in the world to blog about how bored I am as August passes by.

Weird enough, for five years it is every August that I seem to forget what time of the year it is. I spend most of my August days just doing whatever but not really remembering exact dates. I don’t hate August, mind you, but it has been this way for five years.

Five years, five Augusts. It’s not that I totally forgot that after July comes August which precedes September. But it is definitely weird that every time this month comes, it seems to be a big blur to me, and yet it is still seemingly the longest month during these past years.

I could not sleep last night even though I wanted to so I resorted to stay lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking of the things that bother me during the day. The moment finally came when I realized why August bothers me too much. A painful memory five years ago, which led my subconscious mind to create its own defense mechanism as this month comes.

The sixteenth seemed to be the very root of all this. Although I could remember that moment as clear as crystal, my mind kept hiding the whole month from me so as not to inflict any pain to my heart. Then I realized I really hated this month after all.

Something like that, it was probably the saddest thing to ever happen to anyone’s life. But I’m thankful that those things happen. They make us stronger and make us more adept in living life. I was finally able to sleep after thinking about it for more than two hours.

I guess, after realizing such things, we become more alive. Things such as that can teach us how to be better persons and how to live our lives better.

…

But still, after all those thinking I had done last night, I’m still unemployed. That’s the saddest part of my long long August this year.

Lonely, but not Alone

Amidst a big crowd filled with familiar faces, there were times when it was hard for me to join in the fun. The feeling of belongingness, something I’ve been searching for throughout the years, is such a fickle fiend. It cannot be easily tamed, nor can it be deceived into staying by your side forever. Sometimes, you just feel lonely even though you’re not alone.

Being lonely does not always equate to being alone. I’ve spent a lot of time being alone and felt quite relieved and happy about it. Sometimes, we also need a break from being a part of something big and give some alone time for the self. Let’s just say, it’s for the sake of inner growth.

But what really bothers me is the fact that loneliness, unlike belongingness, is such a clingy little thing. I’ve spent a lot of my time in the dark – or something as dramatic as that – that I can be lonely even when I’m with my friends. Sometimes, you suddenly just stop hearing all the jokes they crack, the stories they tell, the rumors they share, and then you hear yourself thinking. I wonder why it has to be that way.

Like I said, I’ve been searching for belongingness for a long time that’s why I tried to open myself up to other people and try to be social – not that I’m anti-social or anything. But I can’t understand why I feel better off when I’m alone than when I’m with a crowd. Yes, I can be silly and fun towards the people I’m with, but honestly, that’s my defense mechanism to be able to stop hearing my personal thoughts and keep them from sucking me back to that alternate universe where only those thoughts can be heard.

… … …

Being alone doesn’t always mean we’re lonely. It’s better to be alone and spend some quiet time with yourself than be stuck in a crowd where no one seems to bother about you. Although, it is quite heartbreaking for someone to be lonely, yet not really alone.