Lonely Celebration

I guess there’s just really a time when everyone who you thought would be there is simply out of reach.

Yesterday, I celebrated the end of my level 1 class in sign language. I came to the ceremony without a guest. Although it was fun, it might have been better if that moment was shared with people other than your classmates and teacher. I got an award for being one of the most active and confident student. It was something to celebrate, right? So to celebrate my recognition, I planned to watch The Avengers at MOA. I waited in line alone. But it would have been a whole lot better watching it with someone who appreciates movies the same way I do.

It was not really bad since this has not been the first time I watched a movie alone. Somehow, it was kind of stress-relieving. What I liked about it the best is that I got a good seat at the upper half of the cinema somewhere in the middle, and the movie was worth the long wait, plus it was cool inside, a nice way to beat the summer heat.

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So probably there are just really moments to celebrate by your own. No need to find company just to enjoy. Yesterday was officially my ‘Happy Alone Day.’ I hope I could do it again next time. Maybe I should start finding reasons to celebrate that.

Language Unites … and Divides

It is a fact that language emerged as a means of connecting to other people, to communicate. Language is one big factor why we can coordinate well with others, or why we can make better transactions. It created a giant web that connects us all.

We may not be aware of it but language can also divide us. The world is divided by different national languages, and the Philippines is divided by different provincial languages. What’s more interesting is that in each society, there are still certain groups who have their own language, their social dialect or what we call sociolect. It is fascinating to learn how the society that works in communion is somehow divided by a means of communication; a vibrant display of unity in diversity.

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When I was in college, I was exposed in a lot of different social groups. Even amongst the different colleges of the University, one could see how prominent sociolects are. It is some sort of mark or label where one can base his/her verdict in trying to pinpoint whether from which college someone is. One can base a pre-judgment over a person through the sociolect he/she uses. On a negative perspective, it is somewhat like a stereotype. Although, if we look at it closely and observe how it develops, it really shows that certain languages emerge from certain groups within a community which only they can use.

Sociolects seem to create a divide among social groups in a community. But somehow, it is a defining factor of a certain group’s identity. They do not want to be labeled as another so they have to keep an identity of their own, and language can be a big factor in finding that identity.

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I found it very interesting to hear a lot of different social dialects. Engineers use certain words which a communicator like me would interpret differently. Cab drivers have this sort of code which they use when asking for traffic situations in certain areas and in finding out alternative routes. IT experts use a different language in terms of communication, there are certain words which, when said by a typical person, would be entirely different in IT’s perspective.

As a communicator, I am entitled with this privilege to encounter and learn these different sociolects. It is a very interesting job to learn and interpret these languages back to their most basic form.

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Words have always been my companion since I was a kid. I have developed a certain kind of love and faith with words which I can never describe. But all I know is that I will always be grateful to have the ability to learn and understand many different languages, a gift I will improve and forever cherish.

Disconnection Notice

I have to admit it. Recently I haven’t been very active (at least not in the same way as before) in social networking sites. Also, I have been very careful when it comes to tying some new strings. Probably I’m just a bit afraid to expand my network of friends. Or maybe I’m just trying to really be careful of whom to let through my walls. And I believe that one good reason is the blatant display of dislike by some to me.

It is always hard to find a good pearl amidst the vast sea, but to encounter sharks is more likely to happen. Maybe I am starting to learn that this is truly a dog-eat-dog world. Life can only be fair if there are unfair things that happen to you. Nobody is perfect, not even life. So I guess I should not expect to live a perfect life. I just have to stay contented with what I receive and motivated to get through it alive.

One lesson I learned from a very old game called ‘Tetris’ is that we may change the way the pieces go down, but we can never bring them up again. In other words, it is up to us to look for the right spot where we will fit the things that life gives us but we have to learn how to live with it because we can’t give it back anymore. We must be very careful in considering where to place these things so that we will not end up with a mess. If we just let them all come down and not think things through, well I guess it is game over for you.

Honestly I feel very lucky to have found good friends who stuck with me up until now. Hence, I feel afraid to go out there and look for new ones. I am happy with what I have now so why bother look for more? That is why I treat other people in the no-strings-attached mode so that I won’t feel bothered whether they are here or not. However, I found out that it’s not the only thing I have been doing.

It just suddenly hit me. I felt like I needed to detach myself from the whole world. Still figuring out the reason behind it, but apparently I have started the process for a long while now. I barely noticed it happening, but now it is very obvious. I need a time out, a sort of breathing space, away from all of the strings I have kept tightly tangled around me. It’s like finding myself pinned down by tangled chains with the weight of a million whales. It’s simply uncomfortable.

Yet something pulls me back of some sort. What if when I let go of these strings, they would cut loose and I can never bring them back? What if I get used to that new feeling of not being entangled from all of these? There are so many what-if’s that I just can’t seem to put two and two together anymore. I’m lost.

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I am very much looking forward to the holy week break. I better take this chance to meditate and breathe for a while and try to see how I should deal with stuff before it gets too late. There is only one who I can turn to in this kind of situation, and I am hoping He will have answers to un-boggle my mind. If the strings I tied would get cut in the process, I am certain there will always be one which will never break. He will pull me to His side when I get left behind.

Beware, the Baobabs!

“A baobab is something you will never, never be able to get rid of if you attend to it too late.”

Indeed, there are a lot of things we bury in the depths of our minds. Memories we cherish, information we store, knowledge we use, and so on. But what we must never store for a long time are problems. Just like weeds in a garden, problems disrupt the bloom of beautiful memories in our minds. Instead of positive thoughts, we keep thinking of problems – we feed them, water them, and fertilize them – until they grow so big that there is no more space left for any other thoughts. A problem is a certain negative element that we can’t just be lazy about to get rid of. We must be brave enough to face it on the first time we recognize it.

“You must see to it that you pull up regularly all the baobabs, at the very first moment when they can be distinguished from the rose-bushes…”

Problems are constant things. When we solve one, another one might come along. Hence, it requires us to be vigilant in every step we take. A problem might pop right in front of you when you least expect it. So to avoid surprise attacks, always choose to make appropriate decisions. Even though our decisions may not be perfect, as long as they are appropriate in the given situation, we lessen the possibility of incurring problems. Always look forward when decisions are being made so as to prepare ourselves for the coming of the unwanted.

“It is very tedious work, but very easy.”

Of course, facing one’s problem has always been a bumpy ride. There are times that problems can be solved easily – that is, when we instantly apply a solution once it exposes itself – but it would still require some extra effort from us because it is out of the typical work we do. It is especially difficult to solve when we left it untouched in the back of our minds for a long time. But this should not discourage us to face these problems. We must be more inspired to put it on our desk and dissect it to be able to reveal how we can actually defeat it. It might entail a lot of work, but it will surely be something worthwhile.

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A lot of people – or is it safe to say ‘everyone’ – face different problems in their lives. But I was inspired by the book, The Little Prince (where the quotes above came from). The chapter wherein the author compared problems to baobabs, it is where I realized how problems can truly affect one’s thoughts. It would definitely be scary to have problems fill our minds instead of letting the “rose-bushes” or positive thoughts dominate our wonderful garden. This post intends to share to my readers about my insights on problems and how to handle them. I do hope I inspired you the way The Little Prince inspired me, too.

The ‘Happy’ Before the ‘Birthday’

Birthdays are probably the best celebrations yet. For an individual, it is the best day of his/her life because it commemorates the day he/she was presented to our wonderful world. It is truly a remarkable day, hence, we often attribute the word ‘happy’ before it: Happy Birthday!

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Based on personal experience, I believe that as we grow older, the meaning of birthdays evolve into something much deeper. When I was a kid, I always look forward to my birthday because it means that I will be receiving new toys or clothes, and my family will bring me to an amusement park or a mall to buy stuff I like. That is how I achieve happiness on my birthdays as a child.

There was a time, around high school I think, that going to amusement parks or buying new toys and clothes do not fill my happy-meter anymore. Perhaps I reached a point of maturity or something like that. I felt happier just by spending time with my friends and family. The mere fact that people I know, special people, remember my birthday and celebrate it with me is enough to keep me satisfied. No need for expensive gifts, no need for melodramatic speeches, just the presence of the people I love already fills me with joy and happiness.

Happiness, as a kid, usually equated to the number of gifts we receive. But we soon realize that as we grow older, those toys will soon be left behind as we begin to long for real happiness, that which is satisfied by good relationships and most importantly by love. We become happy because we know we are loved. And perhaps, that’s what really matters most in our pursuit of happiness, whether it be our birthday or just another regular day.

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I would like to greet my grandma, LOLA NITANG, a belated happy birthday! It was her 75^th birthday last January 12 and as a special gift, I prepared this video for her and presented it during her celebration. I love you Lola, we all love you!

Barbwires Make Better Fences

It’s not much of a new idea to my ‘readers’ that I am nonconformist. I tend to put social norms aside when it comes to certain stuff. I reckon that these norms might be compared to a dictator: you follow every order he gives and do only what you are told to do.

I do not mean to say that social norms are bad. Probably they were there for a reason. Personally, I think that reason is for people to assess each and every one based on a common denominator. It exists so that a person’s individuality can be comprehensible, and fit into something bigger which will make us realize that we are not really that unique. Social norms keep society intact and yet leave each person mutually exclusive.

Having these norms is like building a fence made up of barbwire around you. It is either good or bad. Whilst having a barbwire fence can keep away external influences to your personality, it also keeps you from moving freely within your own personal space. Conforming to these rules makes us look good from the outside, yet it keeps us struggling from within.

I don’t hate rules. They are there for a reason we may not [want to] understand. But sometimes, we just have to take some risks and break a few of them in order to truly express what we think and feel, and finally free ourselves from the fences built not by our own two hands.

And It’s Making My Heart Cry…

We remember and we forget. It is human nature to keep things in their memories and let some of them slip away. Hence, we miss certain stuff that gets stuck on the littlest corners of our mind that had great impact on our lives in some ways.

Satisfying that missing feeling towards a person is, for lack of a better term, easier as compared to missing a memory. Many would have to disagree on this but (besides the fact that this is my blog and I can pretty much say my own opinion here) I believe this is a general possibility. Here are a few things for you to contemplate on and for me to prove my theory.

We all are capable of divine human interaction. Okay, so divine was not really necessary but I think it is more conspicuous if I wrote it that way. People have the capability to find ways in meeting up with friends long gone and moved on, family based in a random continent, or even pets lost in translation (at least in movies, these are a hundred percent true).

When it comes to memories or all other abstract things, we tend to satisfy that missing through simply reminiscing those times you have access on them. People nowadays have lots and lots to work on. We are living mostly to work for a living. So, there are some who spend most of their time working and the rest of their day remembering how they can do certain things before, the way they wanted to whenever they want.

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I hope by now you realize that my post is not about all those stuff I just mentioned. It is probably a bit connected, but just a bit.

I miss a lot of things – like writing, family members abroad, charcoal drawing, school friends, [bad] dancing, old pets, and eating a perfect spinach ravioli – but what I miss the most among all other things is singing. I will admit I lost the ‘touch’ or whatever it’s called in singing well. But I always keep on wondering, dreaming even, whether I would have the chance to get a big break or work in the music industry some time in my life.

I grew up in a not-so-musically-inclined family. My dad plays the guitar, he taught my sister how to, my mom sang since she was in elementary (I think), my sister dances, I play the recorder, I’m a frustrated pianist, and yes I sang too since I was a kid. I had been singing since I can remember. I had been part of a school choir. I got trophies from singing contests, solo and duet categories. I pretty much sang my life through, well at least until I started college.

People may have noticed that I really like (love actually) watching musicals and concerts and gigs. I enjoy the simplest band performance, and I really love singing along with them or jamming with friends. I really like Glee too, because it reminds me of those days when I can sing in school (as in singing at school activities and such).

I stopped singing at a certain point of my life because of practical reasons. I thought my passion for the arts had nothing, in any way, to help me make a living – at least that was what the world taught me. Your passion can make you happy and help you express yourself, but it can never really get you the things the world demands from [and/or for] you.

My friends probably notice that when I get sulky I tend to bring out my iPod and listen to music. It keeps me sane, really. If I may quote one of my tweets, ‘music is my personal drug.’ Music helps me not to be frustrated with the life I chose for myself. It keeps me from thinking that passion has no room in this world if you want to live the better life. It stops all of my frustrations from bursting from inside of me and killing every practical choice I made.

I love singing and I will never stop doing so. Even though I ceased all possibilities for me to become a singer someday, at least I still have my shower head that never gets tired of listening to my once so amazing voice.

If My Feet Had Wings…

If my feet had wings it would be easy to free myself from a great crowd. I might not have claustrophobia because it will be easy to escape the clutches of fear from tiny spaces. Even though I’m stuck in the middle of a crowd on a pedestrian lane, I could jump high enough to free me from that black hole seemingly swallowing all of my energy to stand on two feet.

If my feet had wings I could have been an athlete. I might have become the captain of the track team. Or maybe even become a good volleyball or basketball player. The high jump would be a piece of cake. Even gymnastics would be a breeze because it would be easy for my feet to lift my body.

If my feet had wings I might have a future as a dancer. With feet as light as feathers, dancing would be child’s play. Ballet, techno, hip hop, you name it! With winged feet, learning to dance wouldn’t be much of a chore.

If my feet had wings traffic jam won’t be much of a problem anymore. No need to wait in line to get a bus ride. No need to wait for a cab under the heat of the sun. Walking would be an option rather than the primary manner of locomotion. Climbing anything, from stairs to trees to buildings to skyscrapers, would be hassle-free and stress-free. Travelling wouldn’t be much of a stress to me anymore.

If my feet had wings I would probably be a son of Hermes. I would have the privilege to visit Olympus and party with the gods. I would be a demigod, half immortal. I would have powers unknown to many, probably feared by some. But I would be able to help out many people with these powers. Just like the famous quote from Spiderman, “great power comes with great responsibility,” therefore I should use that power to fulfill the responsibility that comes along with it. If only my feet had wings…

And now, although my feet don’t have wings, I am grateful that my mind has. If not for these invisible wings of my mind, I wouldn’t have reached many a places in this world and even the worlds unknown. I could bear to wait in long lines to travel, or feel extreme fear when stuck in a crowd, but I wouldn’t be able to stand hours of not having a wonderful and wide imagination. It keeps me sane when too much of the real world has gotten into me, lets me fly and escape the clutches of evil, and yet it makes living in the real world worthwhile.

But I still won’t let go of dreaming to grow wings on my feet.

I Survived!!!

This is not just another weekend for me. Now that I’m finally – finally! – working, I remember how liberating weekends are again. My first week at work has gone so fast but I must say it passed me by smoothly. I started working last Tuesday although I already met my officemates before (due to a team-building activity). So I was a bit comfortable working with them even though I just started.

My second day was fun, although I was a bit nervous during the afternoon because I was left alone at our desk. I felt the need to figure things out quickly so when tomorrow came, I’d be ready. I’d say I did fairly well during my first week.

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I guess this is what people mean when they say ‘you enjoy your work.’ You see yourself celebrate certain moments with them in the long term. When you learn about certain events, you think of inviting them to go with you. Simply put, you are involving them in your life-plans.

Honestly, I never imagined my work to be this comfortable. It feels as if I’ve been there for quite some time now. I already know the people somehow; we eat lunch together, we buy snacks together, I ask them for help and they help me out; it’s all good.

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I just felt the urge to tell how comfortable I am at work. And also share to my small world that I can feel the essence of weekends again since I am already working. Haha!

Happy weekend to everyone! ^^

Mood Swings

Wake up then see the wonderful blue sky. Look out the window and witness as the clouds pass by amidst the blue blue sky. Waking up in this situation makes the heart skip a beat. It makes all of the expectations for this day to be positive. It gives an optimistic perspective towards the hours yet to come.

Greet people. Wonder what to tell them to share the beauty of the day. Wait for their response and keep the mood light. Watch a series and eat breakfast. Imagine drinking milk – just imagine because there is no more. Try out new things like drinking coffee. But then decide not to anymore because it will just cause palpitation and an upset stomach. Hence, just leave things be. Just sit, eat and watch just like before.

Finish an episode. Keep it in your mind and feel how light everything seems to be. Everything is just right. Things happen. And this is just supposed to be as right as it is. Wash the plates left at the sink. Check the phone. Things happen. Yes, they do happen.

Open the messages. Smile when there are greetings and thanks. Read the last message and feel how all of the good vibes get crushed. Things happen, oh yes, they definitely do.

Watch the next episode. Sit in front of the screen and just wonder how things happen. But hey! They really do happen. Eat lunch and drink water. Laugh at the funny scenes. Be amazed by the weird characters. Just stay focused on what is being watched. Finish another episode. Think about things. Because things do happen.

Open the music player. Just play the songs. Then listen to them. Finally, feel them. Feel them to the very core of the bones.  Dance and feel the rhythm. Sweat it all out. Just feel it until it feels right again. Stop and breathe. Look at the sky, the wonderful blue sky. Remember how it all began when waking up earlier. The blue sky stained by the white clouds. Look at that empty blue space and understand how beautiful and marvelous it is. Close the eyes and breathe. Open them and see white fluffy clouds back amidst the sky. Things happen just like that.

Breathe deeply. Sit down and think. Think of nothing whatsoever. Wait for people to show up. Sit down properly and just keep listening to music. Stop feeling them. And start feeling the wind and the sun. Just feel them and just be.

People come in. Share some space. Feel the cold water from the shower. Look at the sky, yes that blue blue sky. Be captivated by its marvel and majesty. Imagine how good it will be floating at that sky. Keep things silent. Do not speak, just share that space. Stop the feeling of awkwardness as it tries to fill the body up. Sit down and listen to music. Listen and stop feeling them. Just remember that waking moment when the sky was wonderful and blue and things were light and easy. Because believe me, things really do happen. And there is nothing that can be done but to accept and move on.

That Feeling… (part II)

I’m not really the type of writer who does follow-ups. Yet I’m writing this because of almost the same issue with the same person. (see here)

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We have not seen nor contacted each other for a long time – or at least since that post happened. I was feeling lucky one day (because it was Peppero Day that time) and so far, that day was really full of fortunate events. Then you suddenly sent me a message. My lucky day went totally demented that moment. I didn’t really know what you were up to. It’s definitely not in your nature to send random “how are you?” messages to people you know. I couldn’t make my mind up if you were just really curious of how I’ve been doing or you were put up to it by [y]our friends. I decided to reply assuming you were not really serious with your question, thus I sent a stupid but concise answer.

I guess you not replying makes it safe for me to say my assumption was right. If someone was really serious with asking someone how they are doing, that person would have reacted on the stupid answer that person would get. Well, that’s just me talking. And yet I feel like I offended you by my response that you just didn’t feel like replying anymore. I really don’t know you that well after all.

If I were convinced by my assumption, I wouldn’t have written this post anyway. I’m totally confused about you. You seem to be annoying and arrogant and very proud whenever we’re together, but what are you really when I’m not around? I guess it was unfortunate for me to not have had the luxury of spending time with you and [y]our friends more. When I was with you guys I felt really isolated anyway. Now, I just feel even more left out. I guess I never really belonged.

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Follow-ups, I think, are good every once in a while. Although they would probably be better if they were done in person, I still think this is a safer outlet of certain issues. Like what I said in an older post, I’m not really into social norms so I’d rather not talk to you about such mundane issues – at least that’s what I think you would think of these things. At the end of the day, I’d still be the one with bigger dilemmas and not you.

Tip of the Parrot’s Beak

Second climb. Cavite’s highest peak. CONQUERED!

I’ve been a Caviteño for twenty years, and only now can I claim to be a true-blooded one. Recently, I joined a mountain climbing and camping trip with my TUP-Cavite friends at the highest peak of our province, the infamous Pico de Loro. I felt really excited since this was my second climbing experience – the first being Mt. Batulao in Batangas.

Arriving at the foot of the mountain path was relatively smooth – except when we were crossing the magnetic road – and then the real thrill began. Compared to our hike at Batulao, this mountain is relatively lower in terms of altitude, but the trail is steeper and harder to climb. As we made our way through the forest there were tons of wonderful sights to see; lots of little rivers to cross, the beautiful view of the sun through the canopy, the other mountain peaks surrounding the area, the wonderful flora and fauna, and more.

The general objective of the climb was to be able to help the environment and appreciate the beauty of nature through experiencing it. That was why we had a tree planting activity before reaching the campsite, and we had an overnight stay at the mountain.

After finally arriving at the campsite, everyone felt relieved and was awed by the beauty of the sunset. The view of the two peaks looking somewhat like a parrot’s beak ready to caw was really amazing. Seeing the grass wave like the ocean as the cool mountain breeze blows, and as the sun slowly sinks behind those peaks, it suddenly felt like this experience, no matter how tiring, was truly rewarding. 

Night finally came and everyone settled down. We did some cleaning first and then pitched our tents, and as everyone had finally found a comfortable spot, we started to prepare for our dinner. Eating a meal up in the mountains with a bunch of fun people was tremendous. You can really feel the spirit of sharing to your neighbor. Everyone was offering their food to each other. After our meal, the fun part began. We started up a bonfire and had some fun. A few drinks, lots of extra food, some story-telling sessions, plus some good music, everyone went crazy that night. We were laughing the night away. After all the fun, Mr. Sandman finally decided to visit us and everyone went to sleep. It was quite hard to sleep because of the cold wind and the uneven field, but even so, we were able to rest somehow.

The moon was still bright and the stars were countless by the time everyone woke up. The cool wind kept everyone from taking off their blankets and jackets. After warming up with breakfast (coffee and hot noodles) we finally witnessed the first signs of sunlight. Everyone prepared for the hike to the peak to see the sunrise at its finest. Reaching the top of the mountain was exhilarating. Technically, we can claim to be at the top of Cavite that time. The sun looked so majestic, the wind was cool and mild, and the view from the top was bizarre, everything was plain amazing.

It was finally time to go back and everyone fixed their tents. Of course, we made sure that we wouldn’t leave any trash behind or the climb would be a total waste. We had a detour to the falls before eating lunch at the basecamp. The water was really cold but it was refreshing. Then we finally treaded our way back to base camp to have lunch and rest for a bit. Afterwards, we made our way back to the foot of the mountain. As we loaded the jeepney everyone looked very tired, but one thing is certain; this was a remarkable experience that no one would ever forget.

(All photos belong to the author. Please do not duplicate without permission.)

Bad Dreams

I woke up early this morning feeling really tired. Every detail of the situation was still very clear in my mind. I couldn’t seem to take whatever I saw then that I tried to go back to sleep facing the other side of the bed. But the dream went on. It was like I just paused a movie I was watching. Then I woke up again, checked the time and apparently, an hour had passed since I tried to sleep again. I sat up straight, took a deep breath, then went back to sleep.

Two hours had gone when my mom finally woke me up. I had plans on meeting up with my cousin today. As I opened my eyes, I realized my heart was racing. Apparently I still had the same dream, but this time I can’t remember everything. It was 4:50am, the wind from my window made my hair stand on end. I felt like I just ran several miles but without sweat.

I stood up, did some stretching and finally my heartbeat was normal again. But I was completely in a state of shock or something similar because as I went out of my room and tried to do my typical morning rituals, I was being attacked by my migraine. I felt queasy, my mind was not at ease. Everything felt surreal that time.

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I’m pretty sure it was a bad dream. No, not a nightmare but a bad dream. It wasn’t scary at all, but rather it just gave me uncertainty. Uncertainty regarding life in general. It just made me feel uneasy on how I’ve been living my life. It made me wonder, have I been living it to the fullest? Am I really going to the right path?

Life is not easy, but that’s what makes it worth living. I think this has been an eye-opener for me because it made me reflect on things. Sometimes it’s really good to do some self-reflection for the growth of our soul.

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But I still want to remember what that dream was about. I wouldn’t want it to return tonight when I close my eyes and fall asleep.

Is It Really That Mundane?

Ok so I’m writing this for the sake of someone who doesn’t really know me quite well but seems to be someone I can be good friends with. So for you, read this carefully so you would understand my side. And don’t judge me! :P

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I am the type of person who has a really small personal space. Probably it is because I am touchy and I like hugging friends. But I have an issue when it comes to my hair. My vanity is one thing, but there’s another thing that, for a third-person’s point of view, would seem very mundane and silly.

To make it simple, I have an issue with someone petting my head. You see, this act – for me – has a deeper meaning as to what it ordinarily looks like for other people. Before, I tend to pet girls’ heads to show affection, but I only do that to girls who are smaller than me. I also do that to kids because I like kids. But there was a time that I realized how I never really liked it when someone does that to me, especially if this someone isn’t close to me yet. So I stopped doing that to everyone…except for kids, because they’re just so cute. :3

You see, based on my life story, I only allow a very few people to pet me on the head namely my dad, my sister, my high school soul brother, and one of my good friends from my org. The common thing they have as to why only they can do that to me is that they have a certain authority over me. In a more dramatic sense, I succumb to thee.

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I am very protective with my hair. That’s why not everyone can pet me. But due to some recent events, I just had to be petted on the head by someone who is not really a close friend of mine. Certain people thought it was a pathetic issue, it wasn’t a big deal whatsoever. The thing is, I have a tendency to become a bit submissive to the person who does that to me. The issue there is that if it’s someone who doesn’t naturally have authority over me or probably I’m the one in authority, everything would definitely turn around. That was why I felt a bit awkward back then when we left for dinner. I felt like someone invaded that tinee-tiny personal space I allot to myself.

Someone said I looked rather ‘cute’ than annoyed by that event. But honestly, that is always how I am when I’m annoyed. Ok, so I am a bit childish…ok, not a bit, I am childish. But hey, that’s not my fault anymore. You got a problem with that huh? >:|

So, there. I guess if you see any awkward moments or any changes in the way I treat that person, you would now understand why. I can’t believe I’m actually explaining this again but hey, you made me do it. :P

自分の涙

I was a wimpy kid back then. I have a special talent of attracting accidents. When I start to play outside with friends or at school with my classmates, there was never a time I didn’t end up with a bruise or a wound. I guess you already got what I’m saying, I was surely a crybaby back then.

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A certain Korean drama made me learn that tears are actually a symbol of sincerity. These tears usually fall for someone we have true feelings for. It is fun to assume that I have feelings for a lot of things (yeah, not people) because I can easily cry about certain things.

People actually think I never cry. As a man, I am barred to oblige by the norm wherein I must never cry or show my tears to anyone. But that’s just society talking. I don’t really like social norms. I struggle to break free from all of these pulling me down and making me do what is not in my nature. I’m a big crybaby, but I can’t be seen crying. So yeah, fml.

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I always thought that I grew up strong and very resistant to negative feelings. Turns out I’ve been deceived by myself for I have become a very negative being. I thought that it would be hard to make me cry because for a long time, no one has ever made me cry, but I’m actually still a crybaby. I couldn’t believe that simple stories and movies have that special command over my tears and make them fall without my consent. Well, that’s a drag, isn’t it?

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So this post has become more of a confession. I was a crybaby back then, and I can’t believe I still am now. The only difference is, my tears don’t fall because of wounds and bruises but rather of heartfelt movies and songs and stories. My love for the arts has become this strong that it can make me cry at the slightest touch. I guess it’s true, what they say, that only those that you truly love can make you cry.
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here's a must-watch, you'll definitely cry. :) Taiyou no Uta

That Feeling…

We seldom act based on what we think is right. We usually are impulsive when it comes to our decisions. That is why we easily say things, often bad ones, when we are angry. In the end, we are the ones who would regret them. Which is why we have the saying “think before you speak,” that serves as a reminder to us that saying things when one is in an irrational state only makes matters worse.

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Have you ever felt that certain feeling when your blood suddenly stopped flowing to your fingers when you try to press the send/post button during a virtual conversation? It’s just awkward when that happens because it seems like our own body is telling us to stop what we are about to do. It’s as if our body has its own precautionary mechanism when we tend to act faster than think. But in the end, we do it anyway.

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Why am I writing this post? It’s because of you. How I hate the fact that even though you annoy me, you’re still one of the few people I know I can trust. Please, just stop being so annoying and start acting like I’m someone you know, not someone you would bully for the rest of your life. Just shut the f*k up if you have nothing relevant to say. Stop all these nonsense. I’m trying not to care as much as possible but you are just that person who won’t really stop bugging me, aren’t you? If only you didn’t do that you would’ve been the one to whom I shared my secret because you’re the closest person I know there who would help me out. But then again, you gave me a reason not to. So I just had to tell it to someone else…and be stuck in this state where I am still annoyed at you. Still, I replied to you even though my blood stopped running to my fingers. I patiently waited for your reply. But no. I greeted you the following day, but still nothing. Made me hate you even more. You never really know what a simple reply could do. One word, and it all made the difference. Now I hate you, I really do, but knowing me – someone who never hates the person per se but rather the act done to me – I’m probably just saying this. Just empty words. Because in fact, I don’t hate you at all. I still believe in you, that you are someone I can trust. Best hope my judgment wasn’t wrong.

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There’s this awkward feeling when you get a mini-heart attack after realizing you shouldn’t have done what you did or said what you just said. That is the most annoying feeling in the world because it feels like I’m regretting what I just did or said. Things like that happen when our actions and/or words are faster than our thoughts. Before we thoroughly and carefully think about how to react on certain situations, we just realize in the end that we already reacted. We are really impulsive creatures. We are more instinctive than rational during fight-or-flight situations. I believe we should always be reminded that we have our own limits and we need not let anyone push us beyond that point. Well, unless they want to be slashed by our sword-like words or get an instant black-eye, then just let them be.

Comfort Me, You Could

WARNING: This is another one of those ‘me’ posts so if you hate to read another post which is ALL about me, then you probably wouldn’t want to read this. (Unless, of course, you’re interested in knowing some intimate stuff about me. Just saying.)

When I’m in my emo moments or when I’m feeling down, it’s just normal for other people to comfort me. But they never realized that they could be doing it wrong. You see, I’m not like your average person who needs a pat on the back every time I cry. Like what I have mentioned in a lot of my older posts, I hate it when other people make me feel inferior, and that’s just exactly how I feel when someone tries to comfort me when I’m sad.

So here are a few ways you could try doing if you want to comfort me…the right way, that is.

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When I seem like I’m spacing out or looking far beyond (I usually do this when there is good scenery) don’t talk to me. You can stay behind me or beside me as long as you’re not too close. Let me be the one to start the conversation. Don’t be the one to start it. I would feel better that way because it makes me feel like you submit yourself to the rules of my world.

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If we’re in a crowd and I seem to be not participating, or not listening, or merely smiling when someone cracks a hilarious joke, just sit beside me. Never try to initiate a conversation. You could probably tap my shoulder lightly, but just sit quietly beside me. Once I notice that someone is beside me who seems to have realized I’m troubled, I tend to stop thinking of my woes. When I start talking or participating in the group, it already means you succeeded in comforting me.

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If you see me crying, never ever hug me nor comfort me with words. That’s the worst you could do in that situation. Simply sit beside me, tap my shoulder lightly or do subtle ways to make me notice your presence. If I start talking, just listen. Don’t answer my questions, at least not all because they’re usually rhetorical. In this kind of situation all I need is a listener. By being a good listener, you make me feel comforted. Once I stop talking and crying, that’s the best time to hug me or wrap an arm on my shoulders. For sure, I wouldn’t mind it by then. I might even be the one to hug you first, or smile at you as thanks.

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Well, these were three of the most common emo moments I undergo. So, for my friends to not be able to wrongly comfort me, please do review these notes carefully. I know I’m a really negative person, but during those times when my negativity exceeds my own limit, please do help me out and bring me back to my normal self. I would treasure that moment when someone could comfort me the right way.

I never really intended to post this but I think it is a must for my friends to know this. I guess I just want to be understood better because I know for a fact that I never really opened up completely to anyone.

Nostalgia Attack

This day was relatively long compared to the other days. I was able to finish a whole anime series today, able to feel the sun, able to check different SNS, and able to exercise (for a change of lifestyle). It was really fun all in all. I was also able to witness another ‘sepia afternoon,’ those afternoons when things seem like in sepia mode of a camera and feels like any moment, the people from the past would pop out of nowhere. :)

So yeah, there weren’t any people of the past, but rather memories of my past showed themselves to me. It was fun remembering those old memories where I still have fun playing outdoors with my friends. Those times when life was still so simple, so easy, so light for a child like me, it felt good to have actually experienced that. As compared to today’s fast-paced and technology-driven world, it would have had a simpler feeling if it was still the same as those times. Don’t get me wrong, I do not hate technology, for without which I wouldn’t be able to share these thoughts to the world, or at least the small world that revolves around me.

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I guess all I’m saying is that I miss those times when we can run free along the roads and play as much as we want outside. Those were the times when we play with other kids whom we don’t even know as if we were best of friends from before. I miss the times when you still learn a lot of things and make new discoveries as every day goes by. It was nice to reminisce those moments when everything new seemed so trivial and amazing in the eyes of mere children who have yet a lot to see in this wide wide world.

I love the fact that I was one of the fortunate kids who had been born in the generation who experienced the best of both worlds: the traditional and the digital eras. I do hope that these *ehem* kids, with whom I was born in the same generation, would also appreciate these little things. I know they are just memories, but I do believe that memories are somehow a part of what constitutes who we are now.

The Bad Guy

Ok, I’ve been trying very hard lately to be a good person. I wanted to have a better relationship with the family I once felt was unappreciative and unnecessary. But I just have had it!

I know I shouldn’t be ranting like this. But there’s no other way for me to sublime this negativity trying to burst out of my insides. What I hate the most is when someone makes me feel unwanted, inferior, and stupid. I already know that so there is definitely no need to rub it in too much, okay?

Excuse me, but please consider yourself first before you judge me. You don’t know me much however you want to pretend you do. In this case, I don’t think blood is thicker than water. I believe you're suffering from what we call ‘hypocrisy.’ I know this word is too harsh, and that I might regret in the future saying it, but yeah, I’m seeing a hypocrite in our midst.

Oh please! Enough with the drama! Nobody’s calling you the kontrabida or the ‘bad guy’ of our lives except you, yourself. Can you not hear what you say and observe what you do? That’s why I just can’t shut my mouth up because I’m hurting. But you don’t know that, do you? Of course not, because you DO NOT know me.

I hate to be like this. I wanted to change. But if the other party involved wouldn’t cooperate, then I have no other choice but to stay the same also. I’m fine with what I was, and I guess not changing anymore would be good for me, too.

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I just have to blurt that out. I’m sorry to my readers (if I have any) for this one big rant of a post. I just don’t want to explode in front of everyone I’m with right now. So yeah, there I go. Breathe in, breathe out.

Endless August

So far, this has been the longest August of my entire life, probably because I don’t do much every day. There is really nothing to do at all but to be stuck at home and be bored. That is why I have all the time in the world to blog about how bored I am as August passes by.

Weird enough, for five years it is every August that I seem to forget what time of the year it is. I spend most of my August days just doing whatever but not really remembering exact dates. I don’t hate August, mind you, but it has been this way for five years.

Five years, five Augusts. It’s not that I totally forgot that after July comes August which precedes September. But it is definitely weird that every time this month comes, it seems to be a big blur to me, and yet it is still seemingly the longest month during these past years.

I could not sleep last night even though I wanted to so I resorted to stay lying on my bed staring at the ceiling and thinking of the things that bother me during the day. The moment finally came when I realized why August bothers me too much. A painful memory five years ago, which led my subconscious mind to create its own defense mechanism as this month comes.

The sixteenth seemed to be the very root of all this. Although I could remember that moment as clear as crystal, my mind kept hiding the whole month from me so as not to inflict any pain to my heart. Then I realized I really hated this month after all.

Something like that, it was probably the saddest thing to ever happen to anyone’s life. But I’m thankful that those things happen. They make us stronger and make us more adept in living life. I was finally able to sleep after thinking about it for more than two hours.

I guess, after realizing such things, we become more alive. Things such as that can teach us how to be better persons and how to live our lives better.

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But still, after all those thinking I had done last night, I’m still unemployed. That’s the saddest part of my long long August this year.