I have been living inside a big coat of misery for a very long time. I have hidden myself from the world because I always thought that negativity should just be kept inside you. Now I’m paying the price. I thought I learned how to sublime my negative emotions into something positive so that what the world sees is the opposite of how I feel. But then, I was totally wrong because it wasn’t sublimation that I did but instead, I suppressed all of the negativity in me. Now, it’s all trying to explode from wherever I hid it inside myself. It is bad enough that I feel like exploding, but it is worse that I should involve what I totally considered home.
I was in constant search for the perfect home since I was a kid. I found it here in college when I joined the org I got very much attached to. I love this org for the very simple reason that I found it to be accommodating for people who are very different from each other but still gets along well. It is the perfect home I always sought for. I have been active ever since I joined the org but I could say I’m not the worker type of member. I may be quite apathetic because I couldn’t say that I have returned what it deserves for what it has provided me. But I believe that this semester, my second to the last in college, is the most fulfilling one because I am proud to say that I have worked for the committee with the most achievements during this semester. I have been in this committee since I became a member but only now have I felt achievement. That was actually why I considered heading this committee in the following sem. But, a very perfect timing for my inner self to explode.
It was the final activity of our committee, and considered to be the last activity of our current committee head as the head. I felt really nervous because it was the day I will decide for myself whether to pursue the position or not. I NEVER ever showed interest in the said position during this sem because I don’t want any more people to put pressure on me since I get enough of it from myself. That’s why I didn’t really reveal my intent on taking over – at least not until now.
The activity started well, at least that’s how I thought. During the first break I felt like there was something wrong. Then a member told me what this feeling was. I felt quite bad for myself because I didn’t get what that wrong feeling is until someone told me. So I told the current committee head what that was and I apologized to the member who told it to me. A petty matter as it may seem but it was somehow a big deal for me because it caused me to realize that I am not, and can never be, up for the role of being committee head. I told you, too much pressure to myself. I have always been very bad in dealing with pressure. That was what actually led me in to breaking down.
If we would only consider that day, it is not enough a reason for me to breakdown. But it wasn’t just because of that day. It was ever since my life started. I am a big mess, a stupid pile of wasted life ever since I knew what that meant. That petty thing, it was just one of the many little things killing me slowly as I go along the path of life…or rather, death.
Our chairperson might actually have had a hint that I wasn’t alright because she did ask me if I was ok. Being my usual masochistic self, I said I was fine. I don’t really feel better when people start worrying about me because I feel more inferior when they do. I felt worse when the next set of booths started functioning. I was alone in the booth which was supposed to be a collaboration of two committees. I felt very much isolated. I know it sounds too melodramatic but I guess that’s what I couldn’t (and wouldn’t be able to) take off from my system. In the final booth, I found the knife that will cut my wrist. Vodka has always been my weakness when it comes to alcohol. I promised myself I would never take it again after what happened to me before (which is another long story). But what felt good about it was when I felt numb from all those things killing me. Only when I drink vodka do I feel free from self-inflicted pain. That’s why I took that knife and cut my wrist, and even my throat. I finally am free, I finally died.
Thus, I at last did my decision. It’s a big no-no in becoming the next committee head. I wouldn’t be able to handle all those things. I won’t be able to continue the good things our committee had done under the current head. I can NOT be the one who would take over. My personality is not up for it no matter how I love this org and this committee. I am not fit for the role.
For involving the org I love so much in my very stupid and wasted life, I apologize deeply. Yes, we can’t say “it’s no biggie” like what the current head told me, because if you really love something you would never in your entire life involve it into your personal misery. What I did was an irresponsible act of cowardice. But that was the only way I won’t break down and cry in front of everyone, the only way to save me from judgmental and worrying eyes that would make me feel less significant in this world.
For those who already, and would, understand, I thank you. For those who do not, and could not, I sincerely apologize. My life need not be explained to you since I am just a tiny insignificant dust amidst the vast of heaven. I just really need to explode every once in a while to be able to keep myself functioning well. Or maybe I should just stop this nonsense and end it all; get a real knife and cut my wrist finally.
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