Likes And Un-likes

It's funny how you find a person likable but you do not feel any romantic feelings toward this person. And then there are people who you find really annoying but when something unpleasant happens to them you can't help but be concerned.

My emotions have been stirred once more — unfortunately. I met someone who I found quite interesting but this person seems to start getting on my nerves. This person is quite indecisive and finicky. Also, this person asks for advice but never follows them. Always looking at "how about me?" than the bigger picture. Cannot even answer a simple yes-or-no question straight. Decides to stop doing certain things but keeps on doing them. It's just too much for me to manage.

I don't exactly understand what goes on in the minds of such people. Why would they ask for advice which they will never follow? When you ask them what they want, they will just throw the question back at you to hear what you would say. If your answer doesn't match their taste they'll give excuses; if you reply the opposite they would still find an excuse not to accept it.

But the worst part is that you get too concerned for your own good. Honestly, I think it's scary. I couldn't even be that concerned about myself that it's crazy how it is possible that I could be so with another person. If I could only find some reason to like the likable other person more than this person then this would not have been too complicated.

I wonder if there is something like "the art of un-liking". If there is I'm definitely going study it so hard I'd un-like that person in one snap of a finger.

This is some serious business I should try to resolve. I honestly did not expect such circumstances to happen, especially that I'm in a foreign land. It was highly unlikely for my emotions to be so suddenly stirred by strangers or people I haven't been with for a long time. But since it's already here, then might as well just face it.

Hard To Forget

I badly need to see you again. No, I won't try to change your mind. I just want to make sure that I'm not just pretending to actually not like you anymore. It's for my selfish intentions.

No, you don't need to like me nor am I asking you to. I feel bad enough knowing someone I like[d] didn't like me back, but it would make me feel worse if I kept chasing after that someone. However, I did wish I was that type of person -- one who persists even after he was rejected.

Promise, I tried my best to keep things cool, keep it casual like nothing happened. That was your wish, to stay as friends. No matter how awkward it is, I try to look at you like before -- as a friend. But I still keep thinking about you, about what we could have been. And I know it is stupid to think that way. When I catch myself thinking about it, I try to stop it, honest.

But it doesn't work. I keep giving in because however I look at it, it was somehow painful. Yes, there was no commitment yet -- maybe there is a bit from my end -- but I've been meaning to get there somehow. But of course, I blew off my chance. I guess I just don't know how to make it work.

This song pretty much sums up what I'm feeling and thinking for the past month.

Back to the Dead

Nope. You definitely read the title right. It’s back ‘to’ and not ‘from’ the dead. Because that tiny heart I thought was beating has died once again. It just stopped…figuratively, of course.

How should I say this? Well, the wonderful feeling that started blooming within me just ceased to grow any further. The seed I planted and expected to bear fruit stopped midway. It is starting to wither and die. Probably, it was just the wrong moment. It was like planting a seed as the cold season of winter arrives. The cool wind and the frozen earth will not make things work. The seedling may thrive to survive, but it will soon find out that the sun has abandoned it for a whole season leaving it helpless amidst the white-coated land.

The seed I planted never bore fruit. Even before it grew flowers, the winter chill has frozen all hopes for its survival. It felt awkward because I never foresaw that winter was coming. I’m probably not mindful of the right moment, focusing more on the fruit I would want this seed to bear someday. Yes, I shall admit that what I did was somehow selfish. But there was a strong gut feeling that I should have really planted that seed as soon as I see fertile soil. Lesson learned; I should try looking at the signs of the times more than the future harvest I aspire for.

They say time is of the essence, and I dared not listen to that old saying. And now, I feel ashamed of being too hasty in deciding to go for what I wanted – for the first time in my life. I have always been the person who waits patiently for things I want. Then the first time I tried to do away with my usual routine, I fell in a trap. Maybe it is also a wakeup call to me that I should just stay as I am; stop taking risks as they will only leave me scarred.

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I guess it’s time for this farmer to leave the little plant he once believed will grow into a wonderful tree that will bear the sweetest fruit there is in the world, and just look for something to keep his hands warm during this cold season of winter.

The Tree that Bears a Human Heart

One of the major differences between plants and human beings would be human’s ability to feel and fall in love. That’s why when we meet someone who seems to have no feelings at all or someone who is heartless, we call them (or they claim to be) plants – in Filipino, halaman.

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I personally claim to be a plant for a while now. The emotional aspect of my persona hasn’t been touched for a long time – not until recently. When my family or my friends ask me about my love life, I just say “eto self-sustaining pa rin” or “halaman ako eh” just to stop them from digging deeper, especially when they start to get nosier.

Just like a plant, I tend to survive with nothing but the sunlight and water – just kidding, of course I eat real human food, and lots of it. I mean when it comes to my feelings, which is rather inconsistent and annoying sometimes, I don’t focus on feeding it too much with love. I’d rather focus on other aspects of my life such as how to pay my bills, how to get by tonight, and other practical stuff like those. However, recently I felt something weird in the cavity between my lungs which I have always thought to be an empty space.

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What do humans and trees have in common? Besides the fact that they are both living things, one of their goals is “to bear fruit”. Trees do this, in the literal sense, when they are well developed and have matured enough. A human does this by also maturing; by gaining enough knowledge about life, by settling down, by learning how to balance work and play, by falling in love.

… … …

I have found out about the human heart that beats within me, one that doesn’t just beat to pump blood through my veins but to feel a different feeling my “tree-self” could not comprehend. This tree has finally started to feel a certain feeling that crosses the border between being human and being a plant. I’m a human tree, a tree that bears a beating feeling human heart. And this discovery has left my whole being shaken (in a good sense).

Probably the shortest way to say what I am right now is, “I am happy.” That’s a good thing, right? I finally found something[one] that makes me happy. Maybe soon enough, when this fruit has ripened, I would be able to complete the transition from being a halaman to a loving creature; a human being for sure.

And It’s Making My Heart Cry…

We remember and we forget. It is human nature to keep things in their memories and let some of them slip away. Hence, we miss certain stuff that gets stuck on the littlest corners of our mind that had great impact on our lives in some ways.

Satisfying that missing feeling towards a person is, for lack of a better term, easier as compared to missing a memory. Many would have to disagree on this but (besides the fact that this is my blog and I can pretty much say my own opinion here) I believe this is a general possibility. Here are a few things for you to contemplate on and for me to prove my theory.

We all are capable of divine human interaction. Okay, so divine was not really necessary but I think it is more conspicuous if I wrote it that way. People have the capability to find ways in meeting up with friends long gone and moved on, family based in a random continent, or even pets lost in translation (at least in movies, these are a hundred percent true).

When it comes to memories or all other abstract things, we tend to satisfy that missing through simply reminiscing those times you have access on them. People nowadays have lots and lots to work on. We are living mostly to work for a living. So, there are some who spend most of their time working and the rest of their day remembering how they can do certain things before, the way they wanted to whenever they want.

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I hope by now you realize that my post is not about all those stuff I just mentioned. It is probably a bit connected, but just a bit.

I miss a lot of things – like writing, family members abroad, charcoal drawing, school friends, [bad] dancing, old pets, and eating a perfect spinach ravioli – but what I miss the most among all other things is singing. I will admit I lost the ‘touch’ or whatever it’s called in singing well. But I always keep on wondering, dreaming even, whether I would have the chance to get a big break or work in the music industry some time in my life.

I grew up in a not-so-musically-inclined family. My dad plays the guitar, he taught my sister how to, my mom sang since she was in elementary (I think), my sister dances, I play the recorder, I’m a frustrated pianist, and yes I sang too since I was a kid. I had been singing since I can remember. I had been part of a school choir. I got trophies from singing contests, solo and duet categories. I pretty much sang my life through, well at least until I started college.

People may have noticed that I really like (love actually) watching musicals and concerts and gigs. I enjoy the simplest band performance, and I really love singing along with them or jamming with friends. I really like Glee too, because it reminds me of those days when I can sing in school (as in singing at school activities and such).

I stopped singing at a certain point of my life because of practical reasons. I thought my passion for the arts had nothing, in any way, to help me make a living – at least that was what the world taught me. Your passion can make you happy and help you express yourself, but it can never really get you the things the world demands from [and/or for] you.

My friends probably notice that when I get sulky I tend to bring out my iPod and listen to music. It keeps me sane, really. If I may quote one of my tweets, ‘music is my personal drug.’ Music helps me not to be frustrated with the life I chose for myself. It keeps me from thinking that passion has no room in this world if you want to live the better life. It stops all of my frustrations from bursting from inside of me and killing every practical choice I made.

I love singing and I will never stop doing so. Even though I ceased all possibilities for me to become a singer someday, at least I still have my shower head that never gets tired of listening to my once so amazing voice.

Is It Really That Mundane?

Ok so I’m writing this for the sake of someone who doesn’t really know me quite well but seems to be someone I can be good friends with. So for you, read this carefully so you would understand my side. And don’t judge me! :P

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I am the type of person who has a really small personal space. Probably it is because I am touchy and I like hugging friends. But I have an issue when it comes to my hair. My vanity is one thing, but there’s another thing that, for a third-person’s point of view, would seem very mundane and silly.

To make it simple, I have an issue with someone petting my head. You see, this act – for me – has a deeper meaning as to what it ordinarily looks like for other people. Before, I tend to pet girls’ heads to show affection, but I only do that to girls who are smaller than me. I also do that to kids because I like kids. But there was a time that I realized how I never really liked it when someone does that to me, especially if this someone isn’t close to me yet. So I stopped doing that to everyone…except for kids, because they’re just so cute. :3

You see, based on my life story, I only allow a very few people to pet me on the head namely my dad, my sister, my high school soul brother, and one of my good friends from my org. The common thing they have as to why only they can do that to me is that they have a certain authority over me. In a more dramatic sense, I succumb to thee.

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I am very protective with my hair. That’s why not everyone can pet me. But due to some recent events, I just had to be petted on the head by someone who is not really a close friend of mine. Certain people thought it was a pathetic issue, it wasn’t a big deal whatsoever. The thing is, I have a tendency to become a bit submissive to the person who does that to me. The issue there is that if it’s someone who doesn’t naturally have authority over me or probably I’m the one in authority, everything would definitely turn around. That was why I felt a bit awkward back then when we left for dinner. I felt like someone invaded that tinee-tiny personal space I allot to myself.

Someone said I looked rather ‘cute’ than annoyed by that event. But honestly, that is always how I am when I’m annoyed. Ok, so I am a bit childish…ok, not a bit, I am childish. But hey, that’s not my fault anymore. You got a problem with that huh? >:|

So, there. I guess if you see any awkward moments or any changes in the way I treat that person, you would now understand why. I can’t believe I’m actually explaining this again but hey, you made me do it. :P