Likes And Un-likes

It's funny how you find a person likable but you do not feel any romantic feelings toward this person. And then there are people who you find really annoying but when something unpleasant happens to them you can't help but be concerned.

My emotions have been stirred once more — unfortunately. I met someone who I found quite interesting but this person seems to start getting on my nerves. This person is quite indecisive and finicky. Also, this person asks for advice but never follows them. Always looking at "how about me?" than the bigger picture. Cannot even answer a simple yes-or-no question straight. Decides to stop doing certain things but keeps on doing them. It's just too much for me to manage.

I don't exactly understand what goes on in the minds of such people. Why would they ask for advice which they will never follow? When you ask them what they want, they will just throw the question back at you to hear what you would say. If your answer doesn't match their taste they'll give excuses; if you reply the opposite they would still find an excuse not to accept it.

But the worst part is that you get too concerned for your own good. Honestly, I think it's scary. I couldn't even be that concerned about myself that it's crazy how it is possible that I could be so with another person. If I could only find some reason to like the likable other person more than this person then this would not have been too complicated.

I wonder if there is something like "the art of un-liking". If there is I'm definitely going study it so hard I'd un-like that person in one snap of a finger.

This is some serious business I should try to resolve. I honestly did not expect such circumstances to happen, especially that I'm in a foreign land. It was highly unlikely for my emotions to be so suddenly stirred by strangers or people I haven't been with for a long time. But since it's already here, then might as well just face it.

Hard To Forget

I badly need to see you again. No, I won't try to change your mind. I just want to make sure that I'm not just pretending to actually not like you anymore. It's for my selfish intentions.

No, you don't need to like me nor am I asking you to. I feel bad enough knowing someone I like[d] didn't like me back, but it would make me feel worse if I kept chasing after that someone. However, I did wish I was that type of person -- one who persists even after he was rejected.

Promise, I tried my best to keep things cool, keep it casual like nothing happened. That was your wish, to stay as friends. No matter how awkward it is, I try to look at you like before -- as a friend. But I still keep thinking about you, about what we could have been. And I know it is stupid to think that way. When I catch myself thinking about it, I try to stop it, honest.

But it doesn't work. I keep giving in because however I look at it, it was somehow painful. Yes, there was no commitment yet -- maybe there is a bit from my end -- but I've been meaning to get there somehow. But of course, I blew off my chance. I guess I just don't know how to make it work.

This song pretty much sums up what I'm feeling and thinking for the past month.

Back to the Dead

Nope. You definitely read the title right. It’s back ‘to’ and not ‘from’ the dead. Because that tiny heart I thought was beating has died once again. It just stopped…figuratively, of course.

How should I say this? Well, the wonderful feeling that started blooming within me just ceased to grow any further. The seed I planted and expected to bear fruit stopped midway. It is starting to wither and die. Probably, it was just the wrong moment. It was like planting a seed as the cold season of winter arrives. The cool wind and the frozen earth will not make things work. The seedling may thrive to survive, but it will soon find out that the sun has abandoned it for a whole season leaving it helpless amidst the white-coated land.

The seed I planted never bore fruit. Even before it grew flowers, the winter chill has frozen all hopes for its survival. It felt awkward because I never foresaw that winter was coming. I’m probably not mindful of the right moment, focusing more on the fruit I would want this seed to bear someday. Yes, I shall admit that what I did was somehow selfish. But there was a strong gut feeling that I should have really planted that seed as soon as I see fertile soil. Lesson learned; I should try looking at the signs of the times more than the future harvest I aspire for.

They say time is of the essence, and I dared not listen to that old saying. And now, I feel ashamed of being too hasty in deciding to go for what I wanted – for the first time in my life. I have always been the person who waits patiently for things I want. Then the first time I tried to do away with my usual routine, I fell in a trap. Maybe it is also a wakeup call to me that I should just stay as I am; stop taking risks as they will only leave me scarred.

… … …

I guess it’s time for this farmer to leave the little plant he once believed will grow into a wonderful tree that will bear the sweetest fruit there is in the world, and just look for something to keep his hands warm during this cold season of winter.

The Tree that Bears a Human Heart

One of the major differences between plants and human beings would be human’s ability to feel and fall in love. That’s why when we meet someone who seems to have no feelings at all or someone who is heartless, we call them (or they claim to be) plants – in Filipino, halaman.

… … …

I personally claim to be a plant for a while now. The emotional aspect of my persona hasn’t been touched for a long time – not until recently. When my family or my friends ask me about my love life, I just say “eto self-sustaining pa rin” or “halaman ako eh” just to stop them from digging deeper, especially when they start to get nosier.

Just like a plant, I tend to survive with nothing but the sunlight and water – just kidding, of course I eat real human food, and lots of it. I mean when it comes to my feelings, which is rather inconsistent and annoying sometimes, I don’t focus on feeding it too much with love. I’d rather focus on other aspects of my life such as how to pay my bills, how to get by tonight, and other practical stuff like those. However, recently I felt something weird in the cavity between my lungs which I have always thought to be an empty space.

… … …

What do humans and trees have in common? Besides the fact that they are both living things, one of their goals is “to bear fruit”. Trees do this, in the literal sense, when they are well developed and have matured enough. A human does this by also maturing; by gaining enough knowledge about life, by settling down, by learning how to balance work and play, by falling in love.

… … …

I have found out about the human heart that beats within me, one that doesn’t just beat to pump blood through my veins but to feel a different feeling my “tree-self” could not comprehend. This tree has finally started to feel a certain feeling that crosses the border between being human and being a plant. I’m a human tree, a tree that bears a beating feeling human heart. And this discovery has left my whole being shaken (in a good sense).

Probably the shortest way to say what I am right now is, “I am happy.” That’s a good thing, right? I finally found something[one] that makes me happy. Maybe soon enough, when this fruit has ripened, I would be able to complete the transition from being a halaman to a loving creature; a human being for sure.

Disconnection Notice

I have to admit it. Recently I haven’t been very active (at least not in the same way as before) in social networking sites. Also, I have been very careful when it comes to tying some new strings. Probably I’m just a bit afraid to expand my network of friends. Or maybe I’m just trying to really be careful of whom to let through my walls. And I believe that one good reason is the blatant display of dislike by some to me.

It is always hard to find a good pearl amidst the vast sea, but to encounter sharks is more likely to happen. Maybe I am starting to learn that this is truly a dog-eat-dog world. Life can only be fair if there are unfair things that happen to you. Nobody is perfect, not even life. So I guess I should not expect to live a perfect life. I just have to stay contented with what I receive and motivated to get through it alive.

One lesson I learned from a very old game called ‘Tetris’ is that we may change the way the pieces go down, but we can never bring them up again. In other words, it is up to us to look for the right spot where we will fit the things that life gives us but we have to learn how to live with it because we can’t give it back anymore. We must be very careful in considering where to place these things so that we will not end up with a mess. If we just let them all come down and not think things through, well I guess it is game over for you.

Honestly I feel very lucky to have found good friends who stuck with me up until now. Hence, I feel afraid to go out there and look for new ones. I am happy with what I have now so why bother look for more? That is why I treat other people in the no-strings-attached mode so that I won’t feel bothered whether they are here or not. However, I found out that it’s not the only thing I have been doing.

It just suddenly hit me. I felt like I needed to detach myself from the whole world. Still figuring out the reason behind it, but apparently I have started the process for a long while now. I barely noticed it happening, but now it is very obvious. I need a time out, a sort of breathing space, away from all of the strings I have kept tightly tangled around me. It’s like finding myself pinned down by tangled chains with the weight of a million whales. It’s simply uncomfortable.

Yet something pulls me back of some sort. What if when I let go of these strings, they would cut loose and I can never bring them back? What if I get used to that new feeling of not being entangled from all of these? There are so many what-if’s that I just can’t seem to put two and two together anymore. I’m lost.

… … …

I am very much looking forward to the holy week break. I better take this chance to meditate and breathe for a while and try to see how I should deal with stuff before it gets too late. There is only one who I can turn to in this kind of situation, and I am hoping He will have answers to un-boggle my mind. If the strings I tied would get cut in the process, I am certain there will always be one which will never break. He will pull me to His side when I get left behind.

Beware, the Baobabs!

“A baobab is something you will never, never be able to get rid of if you attend to it too late.”

Indeed, there are a lot of things we bury in the depths of our minds. Memories we cherish, information we store, knowledge we use, and so on. But what we must never store for a long time are problems. Just like weeds in a garden, problems disrupt the bloom of beautiful memories in our minds. Instead of positive thoughts, we keep thinking of problems – we feed them, water them, and fertilize them – until they grow so big that there is no more space left for any other thoughts. A problem is a certain negative element that we can’t just be lazy about to get rid of. We must be brave enough to face it on the first time we recognize it.

“You must see to it that you pull up regularly all the baobabs, at the very first moment when they can be distinguished from the rose-bushes…”

Problems are constant things. When we solve one, another one might come along. Hence, it requires us to be vigilant in every step we take. A problem might pop right in front of you when you least expect it. So to avoid surprise attacks, always choose to make appropriate decisions. Even though our decisions may not be perfect, as long as they are appropriate in the given situation, we lessen the possibility of incurring problems. Always look forward when decisions are being made so as to prepare ourselves for the coming of the unwanted.

“It is very tedious work, but very easy.”

Of course, facing one’s problem has always been a bumpy ride. There are times that problems can be solved easily – that is, when we instantly apply a solution once it exposes itself – but it would still require some extra effort from us because it is out of the typical work we do. It is especially difficult to solve when we left it untouched in the back of our minds for a long time. But this should not discourage us to face these problems. We must be more inspired to put it on our desk and dissect it to be able to reveal how we can actually defeat it. It might entail a lot of work, but it will surely be something worthwhile.

… … …

A lot of people – or is it safe to say ‘everyone’ – face different problems in their lives. But I was inspired by the book, The Little Prince (where the quotes above came from). The chapter wherein the author compared problems to baobabs, it is where I realized how problems can truly affect one’s thoughts. It would definitely be scary to have problems fill our minds instead of letting the “rose-bushes” or positive thoughts dominate our wonderful garden. This post intends to share to my readers about my insights on problems and how to handle them. I do hope I inspired you the way The Little Prince inspired me, too.

Barbwires Make Better Fences

It’s not much of a new idea to my ‘readers’ that I am nonconformist. I tend to put social norms aside when it comes to certain stuff. I reckon that these norms might be compared to a dictator: you follow every order he gives and do only what you are told to do.

I do not mean to say that social norms are bad. Probably they were there for a reason. Personally, I think that reason is for people to assess each and every one based on a common denominator. It exists so that a person’s individuality can be comprehensible, and fit into something bigger which will make us realize that we are not really that unique. Social norms keep society intact and yet leave each person mutually exclusive.

Having these norms is like building a fence made up of barbwire around you. It is either good or bad. Whilst having a barbwire fence can keep away external influences to your personality, it also keeps you from moving freely within your own personal space. Conforming to these rules makes us look good from the outside, yet it keeps us struggling from within.

I don’t hate rules. They are there for a reason we may not [want to] understand. But sometimes, we just have to take some risks and break a few of them in order to truly express what we think and feel, and finally free ourselves from the fences built not by our own two hands.

If My Feet Had Wings…

If my feet had wings it would be easy to free myself from a great crowd. I might not have claustrophobia because it will be easy to escape the clutches of fear from tiny spaces. Even though I’m stuck in the middle of a crowd on a pedestrian lane, I could jump high enough to free me from that black hole seemingly swallowing all of my energy to stand on two feet.

If my feet had wings I could have been an athlete. I might have become the captain of the track team. Or maybe even become a good volleyball or basketball player. The high jump would be a piece of cake. Even gymnastics would be a breeze because it would be easy for my feet to lift my body.

If my feet had wings I might have a future as a dancer. With feet as light as feathers, dancing would be child’s play. Ballet, techno, hip hop, you name it! With winged feet, learning to dance wouldn’t be much of a chore.

If my feet had wings traffic jam won’t be much of a problem anymore. No need to wait in line to get a bus ride. No need to wait for a cab under the heat of the sun. Walking would be an option rather than the primary manner of locomotion. Climbing anything, from stairs to trees to buildings to skyscrapers, would be hassle-free and stress-free. Travelling wouldn’t be much of a stress to me anymore.

If my feet had wings I would probably be a son of Hermes. I would have the privilege to visit Olympus and party with the gods. I would be a demigod, half immortal. I would have powers unknown to many, probably feared by some. But I would be able to help out many people with these powers. Just like the famous quote from Spiderman, “great power comes with great responsibility,” therefore I should use that power to fulfill the responsibility that comes along with it. If only my feet had wings…

And now, although my feet don’t have wings, I am grateful that my mind has. If not for these invisible wings of my mind, I wouldn’t have reached many a places in this world and even the worlds unknown. I could bear to wait in long lines to travel, or feel extreme fear when stuck in a crowd, but I wouldn’t be able to stand hours of not having a wonderful and wide imagination. It keeps me sane when too much of the real world has gotten into me, lets me fly and escape the clutches of evil, and yet it makes living in the real world worthwhile.

But I still won’t let go of dreaming to grow wings on my feet.

I Survived!!!

This is not just another weekend for me. Now that I’m finally – finally! – working, I remember how liberating weekends are again. My first week at work has gone so fast but I must say it passed me by smoothly. I started working last Tuesday although I already met my officemates before (due to a team-building activity). So I was a bit comfortable working with them even though I just started.

My second day was fun, although I was a bit nervous during the afternoon because I was left alone at our desk. I felt the need to figure things out quickly so when tomorrow came, I’d be ready. I’d say I did fairly well during my first week.

… … …

I guess this is what people mean when they say ‘you enjoy your work.’ You see yourself celebrate certain moments with them in the long term. When you learn about certain events, you think of inviting them to go with you. Simply put, you are involving them in your life-plans.

Honestly, I never imagined my work to be this comfortable. It feels as if I’ve been there for quite some time now. I already know the people somehow; we eat lunch together, we buy snacks together, I ask them for help and they help me out; it’s all good.

… … …

I just felt the urge to tell how comfortable I am at work. And also share to my small world that I can feel the essence of weekends again since I am already working. Haha!

Happy weekend to everyone! ^^

Mood Swings

Wake up then see the wonderful blue sky. Look out the window and witness as the clouds pass by amidst the blue blue sky. Waking up in this situation makes the heart skip a beat. It makes all of the expectations for this day to be positive. It gives an optimistic perspective towards the hours yet to come.

Greet people. Wonder what to tell them to share the beauty of the day. Wait for their response and keep the mood light. Watch a series and eat breakfast. Imagine drinking milk – just imagine because there is no more. Try out new things like drinking coffee. But then decide not to anymore because it will just cause palpitation and an upset stomach. Hence, just leave things be. Just sit, eat and watch just like before.

Finish an episode. Keep it in your mind and feel how light everything seems to be. Everything is just right. Things happen. And this is just supposed to be as right as it is. Wash the plates left at the sink. Check the phone. Things happen. Yes, they do happen.

Open the messages. Smile when there are greetings and thanks. Read the last message and feel how all of the good vibes get crushed. Things happen, oh yes, they definitely do.

Watch the next episode. Sit in front of the screen and just wonder how things happen. But hey! They really do happen. Eat lunch and drink water. Laugh at the funny scenes. Be amazed by the weird characters. Just stay focused on what is being watched. Finish another episode. Think about things. Because things do happen.

Open the music player. Just play the songs. Then listen to them. Finally, feel them. Feel them to the very core of the bones.  Dance and feel the rhythm. Sweat it all out. Just feel it until it feels right again. Stop and breathe. Look at the sky, the wonderful blue sky. Remember how it all began when waking up earlier. The blue sky stained by the white clouds. Look at that empty blue space and understand how beautiful and marvelous it is. Close the eyes and breathe. Open them and see white fluffy clouds back amidst the sky. Things happen just like that.

Breathe deeply. Sit down and think. Think of nothing whatsoever. Wait for people to show up. Sit down properly and just keep listening to music. Stop feeling them. And start feeling the wind and the sun. Just feel them and just be.

People come in. Share some space. Feel the cold water from the shower. Look at the sky, yes that blue blue sky. Be captivated by its marvel and majesty. Imagine how good it will be floating at that sky. Keep things silent. Do not speak, just share that space. Stop the feeling of awkwardness as it tries to fill the body up. Sit down and listen to music. Listen and stop feeling them. Just remember that waking moment when the sky was wonderful and blue and things were light and easy. Because believe me, things really do happen. And there is nothing that can be done but to accept and move on.

自分の涙

I was a wimpy kid back then. I have a special talent of attracting accidents. When I start to play outside with friends or at school with my classmates, there was never a time I didn’t end up with a bruise or a wound. I guess you already got what I’m saying, I was surely a crybaby back then.

… … …

A certain Korean drama made me learn that tears are actually a symbol of sincerity. These tears usually fall for someone we have true feelings for. It is fun to assume that I have feelings for a lot of things (yeah, not people) because I can easily cry about certain things.

People actually think I never cry. As a man, I am barred to oblige by the norm wherein I must never cry or show my tears to anyone. But that’s just society talking. I don’t really like social norms. I struggle to break free from all of these pulling me down and making me do what is not in my nature. I’m a big crybaby, but I can’t be seen crying. So yeah, fml.

… … …

I always thought that I grew up strong and very resistant to negative feelings. Turns out I’ve been deceived by myself for I have become a very negative being. I thought that it would be hard to make me cry because for a long time, no one has ever made me cry, but I’m actually still a crybaby. I couldn’t believe that simple stories and movies have that special command over my tears and make them fall without my consent. Well, that’s a drag, isn’t it?

… … …

So this post has become more of a confession. I was a crybaby back then, and I can’t believe I still am now. The only difference is, my tears don’t fall because of wounds and bruises but rather of heartfelt movies and songs and stories. My love for the arts has become this strong that it can make me cry at the slightest touch. I guess it’s true, what they say, that only those that you truly love can make you cry.
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here's a must-watch, you'll definitely cry. :) Taiyou no Uta